a/n: so uhhh ive been dealing with some unrequited crush situations so this fanfic and the next fanfic is just unrequited saiouma because i needed to vent :)
It hurt.
It really, really hurt.
It hurt like pins stuck in his heart, the bitter and sharp sensation staying in and just throbbing.
He needed to pull the pins out, to finally just bleed all his affection away and stop caring.
But instead, he let them stay, he suffered through them.
He just couldn't bring himself to stop. The pain felt too good sometimes, the stinging felt almost like butterflies. Flying around and making his eyes light up, making every bit of chaos worth it. With every smile Shuichi gave, every cute word he said, Kokichi felt like the pain didn't matter much.
Though he knew he didn't deserve Shuichi. He really didn't. He knew he was too much of a nuisance, and that soon enough he would be doing something unforgivable. Something that would ruin anything they had between them forever.
Maybe he should cut off contact now, soften the blow for later. But no, Kokichi couldn't handle that, he just kept coming back for more and more and more and driving his heartbreak deeper and deeper.
...It shouldn't hurt. He shouldn't feel like this. He didn't know why he allowed himself to fall so hard, it was so idiotic.
Maybe it was his daydreams. Where he wrapped himself in blankets and pillows, holding as much material close to him as possible, cuddling himself when no one else could. It was pathetic, stupid, certainly not something a supreme leader should do. But he couldn't help it. He pictured Shuichi there, holding him, running his hands through his hair, caressing his cheek. Words of sweetness and acceptance spilled from his imaginary lips, pushing Kokichi's pain even worse but letting him relax and smile.
He tried to stop these daydreams, tried to force them away, but he couldn't, he just couldn't. They felt like comfort, felt like warmth, felt like safety.
...It was so dumb.
Shuichi didn't like him back. It was obvious. He only tolerated Kokichi, and tolerating is nowhere near the same type of reciprocation Kokichi craved. He wanted something Shuichi could never give to him, something he didn't even know if he deserved to have anymore.
But it was fine.
He was fine. Falling in love was not his end goal in this killing game anyways.
He was...fine.
Or at least, he had to be.
