A/N: huge trigger warning for self harm!!!
Kokichi knows he doesn't have the best coping mechanisms.
Still he can't find it in himself to care, at least not in the way he should.
He doesn't care about the pain he feels, doesn't care about it being bad for him.
But he does care about seeing Shuichi's smile when he tells him he's been clean for a while.
That is the only thing he cares about.
So he threw away the sharp objects he used. He squeezed a stuffed animal Shuichi got him on their first date instead of hitting himself.
Everything was going great and everyday Shuichi would kiss his cheek and tell him how proud of him he was.
And strangely, Kokichi felt proud too. Proud that he managed to somehow overcome this obstacle in his life.
But that couldn't last forever.
The urges started coming more often, multiple times a day with no signs of stopping. He couldn't escape it, it was constant.
And he tried, he tried to keep fighting. But it felt like a losing battle.
He didn't have anything to use anymore anyways, nothing to give him that sense of pain he craved. He gave all of it up when he decided he'd start being clean.
As far as he knew, he only had a regular shaving razor in the bathroom to use. But he never used something like that.
When he hurt himself, he never made permanent marks, afraid that with all the visibility he had since the killing game, someone would find out. And he didn't really want his self harm story popular on Twitter.
So he didn't use razors, he knew what they did and they would just cause more trouble than it was worth. Instead he used just about every other thing.
But he kept his razor, he kept it knowing he would never use it.
Maybe that was a dumb idea.
Because with everything else he used gone, it was pretty tempting.
He knows he shouldn't try it. He knows it's not worth it.
After months and months of recovery, he's really going to step back now?
Wouldn't Shuichi be disappointed? He wouldn't be proud of him anymore.
And Kokichi wouldn't have anything good going for him, no streak to hold on to and nothing to convince himself he's okay.
But he found himself in the bathroom anyway. He didn't really know how he got here.
His vision was blurry. He was crying, sobbing actually. His breaths were shallow and his steps were wobbly.
He refused to look at his image in the mirror knowing it's not what he wanted to see.
Thoughts flooded in his head, like a heavy dark fog. The only thing he could think of was the pain, the pain he longed to recieve.
He should call Shuichi. He should text him. He should go see him.
He knows he can make this better just by being here. A bright light in his dark space.
But the worthlessness he felt was like a black hole. And he felt himself sinking into it enough that he found himself losing all reason.
He knew Shuichi loved him,really loved him, despite everything. That was proven through all of the moments they spent together.
But his brain started convincing him other wise.
