a/n: this is kind of a vent too-
When Shuichi first woke up from the killing game and was given the "The killing game was a virtual reality and everyone is alive" talk, he was beyond happy.
He hated what this "game" had put them through, but he was so glad that that's all it was. A game that ended in no actual fatalities.
Of course, the effect on everyone was still great. Shuichi remembered when he first saw Kaede again. She looked so...broken. Still happy and hopeful in a way, but this whole experience had left it's mark on her.
It left it's mark on everyone. Everyone Shuichi saw felt different, felt worse . It was hard to see. But at least he could see them, at least he could potentially help them.
That wasn't the case for Kokichi. He was locked in his room, refusing to come out for anyone, even the doctors. Shuichi heard they had to force their way in sometimes.
It was awful to just stand by and watch. He wanted to see Kokichi again. He really did. Despite what he had put them all through, Shuichi knew that the killing game environment was meant to push him into doing such a thing. And it was obvious he regretted it, or he wouldn't be hiding himself away. Shuichi could only imagine the self-destructiveness, the pain, the depression, Kokichi was dealing with beyond that door.
Shuichi didn't want him to suffer alone. He still could hear the words he regretted saying, the words telling Kokichi he'd always be alone. It was so far from the truth. If Kokichi just opened the door , he wouldn't be alone anymore.
But Kokichi didn't know that. Shuichi had to try to reach out somehow. He texted Kokichi, invited him to lunch with the others. He told him he cared about him, that he'd listen to anything he had to say. He even impulsively sent a paragraph late at night, explaining how sorry he was. He tried . He tried so hard.
But no answer.
...At least he could see the little read receipts at the bottom of the messages.
His anxiety, his self-doubt started creeping in. Was Shuichi even helping? Was he just being annoying? Was he bothering Kokichi?
....But damn it, Shuichi missed him! He missed his smile and his laugh and even his lies at this point.
He had to keep trying.
So started to come by Kokichi's door, driven by his desire to never leave him alone again.
He came for weeks. Still, the door never opened. The text messages weren't even read sometimes.
And the self-doubt, the anxiety he was trying to push away came back.
He was just making it worse, wasn't he? He was making Kokichi uncomfortable and upset and he just shouldn't help anymore, should he? Kokichi probably hated him even more now. He was probably rolling his eyes when he heard the knock on the door. He was probably sighing in annoyance when he saw his texts.
It was better if Shuichi just stayed away,right? All he was doing was being a burden. He couldn't give Kokichi any help. The doctors, the doctors would help him, right? Or someone else.
Shuichi was just ruining everything.
...He came by a few more times. Still no answer.
And he didn't want to hurt Kokichi anymore. That was the last thing he wanted.
So...he stopped.
He stopped coming to Kokichi's room.
He would walk back there sometimes. And almost open up his phone to text him, to let him know that he was here. But against his wants, he put it away. He kept walking.
It was for Kokichi's own good, right?
Right?
Besides, Shuichi had other people had other people he could help, like Kaede and Kaito. He could try to pull them out of the darkness they had succumb to.
But no matter what, without Kokichi here, all Shuichi was left with was uncomfortable loneliness.
