✔️ Body and Mind 3

The Right Thing to Do

Shortly after, Anya fell asleep again and even though it was late at night, Yuzuru stayed awake.
He went to his sofa, trying to get some sleep himself but not able to get the thoughts of Emily out of his head.

He sat up and took out his phone, scrolling through the hundreds of pictures they had together, trying to understand his own feelings. He never thought it is possible to love two people, but somehow he ended up in that situation without even realizing it. Or maybe he knew it all along and just needed to be with Anya again to see it clearly. Because until then, he always kept Anya just in the back of his mind, knowing it is the one unreachable goal he will never achieve.

And he was pretty sure that if he would have never met her, that Emily would be the one and only for him. But he did meet her.

Yuzuru looked up from the sofa at Anya who was sleeping there, completely motionless from all the painkillers she was dozed with.
Then he looked back down on the phone, staring at the picture of him and Emily, both grinning with their cheeks pressed together, both doing a peace sign in front of their eyes.
There was a concert stage in the background, probably from one of the festivals they visited together. But there were so many, that he couldn't even recall where was this specific photo taken.

Then he moved to the video folder and took out his headphones.

Emily recorded a song for him shortly after she found him at home falling asleep to her singing.
Telling him that now he can listen to her anytime and promising that she won't sing that song anywhere else, so he has it just as her private performance.

He hit play and listened to it again, like so many times before, but this time with completely different feelings.
Yuzuru closed his eyes, trying to summon all the feelings he had any time he was with Emily and compare them to the ones he had now being with Anya again.
He was doing his best, trying to focus on her smile and her voice, hoping that he could find out that he loved them both equally.
But he knew that he didn't, no matter how hard he tried to deny it.
Emily was his closest friend. But Anya was the only one he truly ever loved with all of his heart, his feelings for her overshadowing everything else, even Emily.

He turned off the song as soon as it ended as it was already pre-set on a loop.
Yuzuru stared into the darkness of the room and wondered if he could give up his quad Axel. If he could just finally leave figure skating and be with Anya, traveling around the world and staying by her side while she completes her dreams.
He wanted it so badly. At that moment there was simply nothing he wanted more. Dreading the idea of being forced to leave her again.

Yuzuru got up and went to lie down next to her, sliding under her duvet. He placed his palm on her chest, relishing in the feeling that it's now rising and falling from her own accord and not thanks to the ventilator. And he knew very well that the moment he would merely suggest to Anya that he would quit figure skating, she would just ask him to leave. Doing to him exactly what he did to her over three years ago so she could achieve what she wanted.
He knew she wouldn't under any circumstances accepted it.

Yuzuru stayed awake for another few hours, trying to memorize everything about being so close to her as he could. Knowing that it might be very well the last time he can be so intimate with her. Just for one last night and in the morning toning down all of his affections and being there for her only as a friend.
And after that, once he would return back to Toronto, coming clean to Emily. Knowing that it's the right thing to do but at that moment he just wanted to be next to Anya for one last time.
He would then figure out how to approach the topic with Emily once he is back.