Random Thoughts

Senior Year

Just today I chose a quote and a patch for my senior jacket, then for a minute I was thinking is it the end? so I'm about to be a senior student next year? or to be honest, not next year in a few weeks, I will be a senior student. So here I am in the last episode in school. I'm thinking now, what have I got? what have I learned? Are the functions of the cell in bio classes, and the chem equations are enough to start a new journey in my life, to get into the universities world? I think no! Yes, I'm not the popular or nerd girl in the school, I don't know if they even recognize who I am. All the previous years, all I wanted is to be a happy person, not perfect at all, I don't want to fit their standards, I just wanted to be myself, which I can say that I failed. Every day I woke up and went to that school thinking if I can find my place between them, suddenly I was changing myself to fit their places, which I realized now and then hell yeah I failed to be myself and to have friends who really want me because of my personality and hell, yeah I didn't have a barbeque day or eating ice-creams day as I always wished, I wished to have summer days with people I like. But I ended faking a smile with people I bet they know my fav color or food.

It took me a long time to discover who I am in this big fuckin' world, so I think I'm not totally ready to express myself,  my perspectives, my visions, and my thoughts. Is anyone will read these sad words? I don't know if my words will touch you, but I hope that I don't make your day worse. I  will give it a try to tell who I am. Because I know what works for me and what doesn't, after a long time, I'm aware of my weak points, and as I always believe that you should treat others the way you would like to be treated, but you cannot control how people will treat you or to what situations will god bring you to. Yes, I failed but with time and awareness, I have found my way back to living. A lot of shit things happened, I lost hope and my confidence was damaged and I stood on the brink of collapse. But now I'm trying to survive, and to build my own world where I can live as myself within my rules, even if I had no one there, I think it is enough to be myself, isn't it?

I really want to show myself, not the way they would like to see me. I want to share my ideas, I want my voice to be heard, I was always searching for some respect from others in the schools I have been going to. I was ignored and told many times that I don't belong here and I'm a loser. I always felt that something is missing, or maybe someone. When my principal told me that I was born for creating problems when my math teachers told me I don't belong here, and they don't want to listen to me, and when the vice director locked the room on me because a teacher told her I ran out of a class. In all these bad situations, I wanted someone there with me, someone who can understand me, someone who can feel what I felt. I wanted someone to take care of me, to hug me, and told me it's okay girl, you got it. I wanted someone to guide me and help me name all the chaos inside me. I wanted someone to tell me, that my principal is a mean one and I'm here for a good reason, that my math teachers are wrong and I should chase my dreams. I wanted someone to tell me that it's okay that I felt weak, I felt lonely and I couldn't breathe when she locked the room on me. But there was no one. I had two options, to leave people damaging and destroying me which is the easier option, but I chose to fight.

I wanted to discover who I am. I wanted to learn how can I express my thoughts. I wanted to know what caused my questions and my emptiness and how can I fill the void inside me. I wanted to build a world from the chaos inside me. Simply, I wanted to be a living human. I accepted my worse state, my failure state, and embraced and then I was growing like a yellow sunflower.  I believed that it's okay to fall and stumble but what is important is you should know that only you can help you to get back on the right track. I went through a big growth. I am a sensitive person, very sensitive, yes I'm good at hiding it, but I am a person with extra sense, I overthink and sometimes days pass without sleeping because of my overthinking and overreacting to things. And this thing annoys me and it has been something that got in my way. But in a way or another, I'm trying to handle my moody states. When you go through tough situations it causes lasting enormous damage, but I'm on the way to be strong again.