Random Thoughts

Just Wondering

It's been a while and all the discussions about the university started where you gonna study what you will study... over and over... I always felt that I'm lost in a circle of who am I again and again... why can't we figure this out with time why can't we leave things to time to be discovered? Why I should always know what step I will take and be sure of everything I should do in the future why I cannot be sure maybe I want something but in the future, I want something else... but according to our families we should be prepared for everything and if we want something they don't want they will ignore the all positive things about our choice and look at all the negative things about the choice we chose.. and what they told you, all you need is to understand us and then they think we should choose the choice they made for us! So why we should be prepared if in the end we are supposed to follow your choices, I really cannot understand them! I hate to follow choices that are not made by me just only to satisfy my parents, I want to make my own choices and make them and follow my dreams... and leave things to time and I prefer to leave some choices for a surprise on the future... to leave things unknown for the right time... maybe I want to live my day like it's the last day on my life and not spend my day planning for the next days or the coming months... what if I die today so should I not stop worrying about what will happen and maybe I should start thinking of what makes me happy right now... because I will be young just once in this life!

Yes, I cannot deny that I fucked up in many choices, and I ruined a lot of things and still not met the good friends but I think like this I'm learning about life and how I should be able to stand by myself and move on with on one by my side... I know that I'm like a disappointment to everyone but I'm trying my best to not be, I'm trying my best to be better... It is hard but I swear I'm trying sometimes I feel like I'm not only disappointing myself and the people around me, I feel like I disappoint the world by being alive...It is like I'm surrounded by people but still feels very empty and It's like I'm just an invisible dead body, the hardest exercise that I can do is breathing... they are laughing and talking it looks like the verb socializing which I'm not good at doing because I'm not like them, not even a little bit... I cannot do anything about that I keep acting like everything is fucking normal and perfect and at the end of the week here I am writing about how fucked up I feel how so fucking lonely I feel, I tried my best to convince myself and my mind it is okay to be alone you won't feel the loneliness but no I was totally wrong loneliness is what surrounds me, it is scary and very black, it's like never wanting to wake up the next day... 

Yes but one thing I succeded in convincing my mind with is that I'm a temporary in other peoples' lives, I am the temporary hero, shoulder, friend, and lover to lean on me then like dust I'm left after they finish their healing and they leave so quickly and easily forget how much I was there for them... Just wondering if one day the ink will finish as well as me and I will never be here again yeah I'm talking about death or maybe what had tortured me will become the ladder that will lead me to the new chapter of my own life where there is peace only... I'm just wondering