Random Thoughts

Those minutes before crying

I can't hold myself anymore... it is so hard to just keep faking that you are okay, I'm tired of this feeling, with all the shit I've been through in the past 2 months... breathing became a hard exercise for me... I can't keep going like this... and just today I blew up deeply, I feel pain... 

Do you know how hard it is to hold your tears when all you need is a shoulder and arms around you, so you can cry with all the energy you have... the minutes before you lose the race and just your tears took their way on your face, those minutes before crying... when all you want is to win this race but you can't... I lost it today and I lose it every day... the fact that my dad is no longer between us... the grades, the school and being a senior... the people around you, losing friends... I simply can't handle all this pressure... they all see me as a freak or crazy one...I know that I'm pushing them away but because that's the only thing I know how to do anymore...because I feel like everyone is leaving... but they can't understand it's not just about I'm feeling sad...

 it's like not seeing the goal, or why I'm here and living like there's nothing that will keep me alive... I can't see the reason why I would like to keep trying... just the feeling of desire to live is no longer there... I'm trying my best but just I'm not perfect for living... like I'm living somewhere where it doesn't suit me, this place is not for me... why can't life be simpler? having a rented room, a little job in the morning, a couch that would hug me at night, a cup of coffee, and a book I read many times before... 

Being a human is fucking hard... just we think so much and life is a whore... just we keep falling till we had nothing to lose... I just realized that we are all damaged and torn apart... we are full of hate and anger... In this life, I was learned one thing is to don't give a fuck about what everyone says... be angry, push people away because that's what I've learned through my whole life to treat people the same way they treated me... I won't act nice anymore because they ask me to or they are expecting me to... I've been cheated and lied to, so fuck everyone... 

Just think of it... what's the harm of walking over the edge, I just chose to accept the hate and accept what I've been turned into...  maybe you are thinking what a bitch I am now... but I think what life served me is what makes me turn into someone isn't nice or either good... I wished to have hope in the people around me and myself but it all seems so pointless and impossible to me... they change, they leave, they lie, they cheat, leave a scar or a wound and then disappear... so what's the point of putting hope in people who won't care for you the same way you care... so just be that angry, strong bitch... this is the lesson I've learned lately... 

Those minutes before you lose the race before your tears take their way on your face...  those minutes when you have no strength or hope to try anymore... those minutes when you lose everything... when you realize that life is a whore...