Random Thoughts

Empty

I tried enough... they demanded the impossible and I tried to be everything they wanted me to be... I passed every test and I learned every lesson and still, I'm not enough... I tried many times because all I wanted to do is to please them... to satisfy them but I tried enough... I learned a different thing that people should appreciate me for who I am not for what they think  I should be... 

Was I not good enough? Because I don't know what's wrong with me... they change into uglier personalities, into uglier people... you stop sometimes and think again what made me call them friends? I tried to change, didn't I? I closed my mouth more, I was softer, prettier, less volatile, and less awake... but I realized that I can't make homes out from human beings... I wished that someone told me that earlier... and if they want to leave, I will let them go... I know I'm a different and strange person... sometimes not everyone knows how to love and care... 

Okay, I understood and I got it, that one day I will be going on alone... others are moving on and friends are strangers with time...I lost people I love but what I don't understand is how it all happens once... you stopped talking with your favorite person for a day, two, or maybe a week... then the week turns into a month, and then I found myself asking why the hell I'm losing the ones I love? Is it just who I am? am I just meant to be alone? it hurts and I really don't get it...

How do the people get to conclusions and keep going like nothing happened? They don't understand me... They think it's the normal unexplainable sadness of an angry teenager, but it is not... My day turned into a night... I lay on my bed, thinking of everything I wish that I can admit even to myself... I want to tell them and to tell myself that it's okay to fall, to feel sad, to cry, and to take a break... when I'm not distracted by the people around me...I think so much of my family, the people I've lost, the small number of people I have left, how everything good that happens never works out, I think of my future and my journey... when my day turns into night I don't feel happy either sad... I feel empty