Random Thoughts

Will Never Fit

Alone in my room listening to a random playlist on Spotify, and a harry's song just popped and the words got me here writing about myself and how I've been lately...

" We never learned we've been here before"- Harry Styles

Yes, I never learned that I'd been here many times before, is it because I'm so stupid or emotional? because I don't get how many times I should bring myself to the same situation to feel the same pain, isn't it enough? I'm really getting tired. I know that I'm not an easy person to be with, but I did not know that I'm so complicated so no one can ever fix me, in the past year of my life I lost 4 close friends, two of them really hated me, the other two friends left with no explanation, they woke up and just decided to stop talking to me, blocked me on social media and just left, no explanation, no words said, just left me hanging like I never meant anything to them... On Tuesday I met a friend, and as we talked about random things... I realized after all everyone will replace me it doesn't matter how much I tried I will be replaced because this is how things work, I know it seems very fucked up and we see the ugly face of the world and life... but the truth hurts sometimes right?

But let me tell you something, if I ever decided to give up on someone, they should understand they hurt me because I'm the type to give endless chances, always have their back, and accept them for who they are, I will do anything for you... but if I decided to give up on someone, because they took everything I had left inside of me... I know I look like the biggest, ugliest jerk in the world, and I don't like giving fake sympathy comments because I don't need that I will be 100% honest with you even if that hurts you, but what you don't know that I have a big heart, I won't tell you about my sadness, or anxiety or the unseen things of me because I know that you don't like to be around depressed people, but I will be grateful to untangle your life, to listen to you and just be there for you whenever you needed me, I won't stop caring, even if you pushed me away because I know pushing is the only thing we know when we are sad, but what means is we really need someone by our side... but there's one thing you should know about me if you were rude to me or used me as the backup choice... sorry but then I will treat you as you never exist... because that's how things work to me...

I think I'm losing myself. Everything seems good and fine, but the truth we are faking it... the screams that your lungs experience every night, but even though you experienced the longest darkest nights your sadness falls on deaf ears... sleepless nights cannot seem to stop me, just watched a couple of episodes until I fall asleep... i wanna forgive myself for destroying me after all the love i tried to give, I ended up hopeless and lonely again, i once read on TikTok that maturity is when you realize so much pain can be present in a smile... and I goddamn felt it now... the shitty things that are running over and over in my head are driving me insane, the scenarios I have created in my head and lived feels like I have been alive for centuries... believe me, I had enough of people telling me to get it together but if it was so easy I would have done it by now... but I'm nothing more than a broken heart and depression is swimming in my mind and it really paralyzes my entire soul... it is like im not fitting, like life and I are the complete opposite never fits together and perhaps well... not perhaps but will never fit...