Random Thoughts

Things are not always exactly what they "seemed" to be

Lately, I'm pretending that everything is okay and I'm just fine, and I was trying to ignore the fact that everything around me is collapsing. My life is gotten to the place where I can't even see the point... and I no longer cry I have no more left tears... after spending endless sleepless nights falling apart in my bedroom... just realized that I have stopped living my life since a while, I'm literally just trying to get to the next day, I figured out myself at the end, I am on my own and nothing is ever going to change, I know that I'm not living I'm just waiting. I really don't know what I'm waiting for... and I'm not scared of what might happen or come, because I don't give a fuck...any pieces of hope that I had left are gone...

Crossing the streets without looking, laying down on the floor, vaping and smoking, showering once a while, not eating for days, having many scars but not feeling pain, constant vomiting, headaches, dizziness, sleepless nights, not talking to anyone, spending hours on the bed but not sleeping for a minute... self-harm is not always cutting wrists... but still wandering when I will have enough courage to hold the knife and lock myself in the bathroom or eating amounts of meds and just have a long sleep journey... clouded black thoughts that are in my mind are just blocking my eyes more and more... every day I breathe I wish that I did not...

As I get older, I really understand why people drink excessively, smoke their lungs black or overdose, and just end their existence early, as I get older I understood that I'm one of those people, who might the community call them the losers but they don't know that we the losers we are the ones that had the capability to understand the real meaning of life, which is very dim, and we experienced it and that's why we are willing to end our existence with every breathe we are having...I always thought that maybe there is hope or I still have time to recover but I'm over that stage, I'm at the stage where I'm sure that there's no recovery... I'm ready to leave at any moment because I died a long time ago... 

I'm done with battling myself and trying to hold myself and not falling from the edge, I'm anxious, depressed, sad, traumatized and for sure heartbroken but I'm broken in a way that I cannot be fixed anymore... if one day you wake up and I'm gone, don't cry or grieve because here I am alone in my darkest days... " you seemed fine!" and yes there's this phrase and the word "seemed", yes I have seemed fine, I had a smile on my face, but you won't get it, each part of my body, every day I was far from being fine... you will not get how much it takes from a person to come to the point where his own life is just a waste of time, or where we really want to hurt ourselves and all this is just a reaction to feeling worthless, feeling empty, so fucking empty... and yes there's absolutely nothing fine about me... 

I'm tired of saying that I'm fine but while I'm dying inside, I'm done trying to pick the shattered pieces of myself, tired of lying... I stopped helping myself to get better for a while now, and I'm okay with the emotionless dead person I am now, I'm okay with the dead soul I'm holding inside, I'm totally okay and strongly agree with the black clouded thoughts I have... I know that life and happiness are not meant for me... and sometimes things are not always exactly what they "seemed" to be...