Random Thoughts

Grief

When I try to write a letter to someone very important and close to me... but there are not enough words to describe how I feel so I cannot write... it is the same when I write about grief... How I opened the door for people who I once loved, who have walked through and never returned... writing about grief is like an unstoppable journey for me... your heartache has a finish line that eventually your mind won't sink when you remember their smiles and eyes, but then, you will realize that they are gone... You will never replace their light in your life... and you can't have a damn solution for this... but I'm telling you there's a damn solution is to forget... but when you are grieving, forgetting is the last thing you want to do... 

I'm writing about grief because lately, all I feel is sadness and pain, it's like I want a change, I want to ask God why? Some are thinking it is the unexplainable anger of a teenager, others are thinking is a phase and I'm going through...also they think it's the anxiety of a teen and they say I am so sensitive but it's deeper than what they think of but they cannot understand... but now I know how it all works, I can't keep everyone in my life forever, and I believe that are some are meant to stay in my heart, not my life... or some are just meant to be a sunrise for me for some time... Others were a light who pulled me out of the darkness but they left very early exactly like my dad...and there are friends, lovers and relations that are just seasonal... All I know now is it doesn't matter the deep convo I had with that person at 2 AM and how they fucked up their sleeping schedule to talk with me, and how much we shared our hearts, even if I still see their faces and smiles when my eyes are closed, all things come to an end... it is almost the time to move on, time to let go...regardless of letting go, they will always feel a little bit like home to me...

Grief is not like stages and can be easily defined, grief is not a step-by-step process, it is much deeper than you think...Grief is like the rising and falling of your journey... one day you feel free but the next you feel like you are locked up in a cage...You will experience anger and denial as much as necessary till you feel free again... It's not easy, it is not like waking up the next day and everything will be fixed, not all the broken things are back together... I think we all need permission to be broken... to miss that person... to feel angry... to be hurt... It is okay to feel sad that's what you need, you don't need others to show you a sunrise, or to tell you that there's light in the tunnel, but you need them to sit with you in the darkness...sadness is not like walking in your beautiful day and making it dim...sadness doesn't kidnap its victims but it invites you... with sadness, you will feel that there's no expectation from you there because you are afraid of facing the reality...

 All you need is to start your healing process, all you need is to have days like when your coffee tastes like magic when your playlist makes you dance not cry... you need to change yourself so little things in your life will make a big difference, like how a stranger can make you smile and when the sky is so beautiful and it can touch your soul, all we need is to fall in love with being alive again...