Random Thoughts

Who the fuck I am?

I was scrolling through my TikTok and then a video popped and it was asking what if you wrote a book about yourself what would the title be? I got excited and read the comments section and it was primarily negative names like broken glasses and dark tunnels or survival or the smile that faded with age... I wondered and started thinking of a name that would really define me but I could not find anything... and then my overthinking made me think about the reasons why I can't find a name that can describe me... maybe because nobody gets me not even myself... I'm mature and immature at the same time, I'm goofy and deep, weird and romantic, and my mind is so messed up and developed and I can wrap my personality as odd as fuck...

Who the fuck I am? how do people see me? I'm just wondering writer? orphan? depressed? the fat friend in the group? or just the clumsy girl with red hair? but if I'm being honest about who I am, I think I'm lost, broken, and mentally unstable... is it okay that I'm not okay with who I am? I'm so confused but once I was walking and listening to a podcast saying that when you are broken or depressed you have to nurse yourself extra, just like when footballers break their ankle then they won't force themselves to run or play football, they just rest until it heals and they won't think that they are a failure, they just think that something is not right so we wait till everything become better and that's what should be said to a depressed self... If I want to wait and nurse my mental health till I'm totally good, maybe I will wait forever...

What if a broken self can't be repaired? what if we can't pick up the pieces of a broken heart? What if years won't heal a wound? They say the most painful wounds are the ones that are not seen and can't be healed by doctors... the podcast also was describing the real meaning of depression like when your body is saying that I don't want to be this character anymore and DEPRESSION IS DEEP REST, which means that your body needs deep rest from the character that you are existing through... so how can I take a break from my character? is it by surrounding myself with positive people or by keeping myself locked in a room till I feel good again? I tried both situations, I spent a whole day surrounded by people who love me but at the end of the day even if I was surrounded by them, I felt alone not lonely but deep inside I felt very alone... and then when I spent another day locked by myself I felt that I freed myself to feel more sadness I guess or unexplainable mixed feelings... so I failed both situations I guess, then what's the solution?