The Moments I Recall

JESSIE PRICE

When JJ said small party, she didn't mean it. Most people are outside on her field, now that the night isn't as cold. A bonfire burns excitedly, and everyone are gawking at the stars that are starting to show in the sky.

Harper places her head against my shoulder. I wrap one hand around her, and mess up her hair with the other.

"You didn't happen to see or hear anything before at school?" She asks.

"No, JJ was explaining how she covered for us in that day she was asked questions by that woman, why?"

"No reason." She smiles, slipping from my grasp and merging with the rest of the crowd. Some of the groups have a cloud of smoke from their cigarettes trailing closely above them, earthy smells from the burning wood and cigarettes pervading the air.

I begin looking for Lia, weaving myself through what seems to be the whole grade.

"Hey Jessie." Jennifer says tapping my shoulder. She must had gone and changed because she's now wearing the blue dress I first saw her in when I was in Cody's head.

"You look nice." I tell her.

"Thank you." She smiles.

"Have you seen Lia?" I ask.

"Out front with Alix, did something happen?" She asks back.

"No, I...."

"Oh good, you guys should loosen up, have some fun Jessie." She says. "Look up." I watched her gaze at the evening sky. I don't look up anymore. I will spend hours, if not days staring at the dome if I could, but she looks happy. I wish Coby was here.

"Coby loved...." I begin but she looks back at me and I can't tell her. He didn't want her to know. "Coby would had loved this." She simply smiles and looks back up at the sky. "Does that ever get tiring." I ask her. "Being happy all the time." I never understood Willjay for it.

"Well what do I have if I don't have my smile?" She says, but her eyes dim.

"You don't need to all the time." I tell her. 

"So how long are you staying?" She smiles changing the subject. 

"I don't know I guess." I tell her. She looks up again and exhales.

"I like you." She says, her words prolonged and emphasised more than usual. I can smell the alcohol on her breath. 

"I like you too JJ." I tell her. 

"No I mean I like you Jessie, a lot."

"Oh I.."

"Even a little when you were just in Coby's head." She laughs. "I know this is out of the blue, but I really like you." She steps up to me cupping my jaw. I finally look up towards the sky avoiding her gaze. Maybe because I wanted to avoid her altogether. Maybe because I didn't want to say it to her face.

"I can't JJ." Maybe because I waited for a moment like this for so long.

"Why?" I was hoping she wouldn't ask. I was hoping she'd walk away.

"Because Coby was my best friend. Because I'm in love with someone else." I look down at her and she's no longer smiling. I guess I thought I'd never admit this myself. I know I love her. It's a Coby Ray, get worked up over nothing, no one else I'd rather be with, watch her watch the sky for hours, afraid to tell her type of love.

"I forced myself to move on." She tells me. "I wish I told him, everyday I wish I told him but...."

"He loved you JJ, he probably still does, and I know this is selfish telling you, but he really did."

"That was then, and this is now." She tells me.

"And you think I'm a good replacement?" I ask.

"It's not like that Jessie." She says.

"Then don't ask me to do this to him."

"If I did, would you?" She asks me. A long time I go maybe I would have.

"I love this girl like crazy, JJ." I tell her.

"Lia," she smiles spitefully nodding her head. "I doubt she likes you, she can't and all you do everyday of this life is ponder as to why." A tired laugh rolls out of her. "You don't even know what she is. Why her of all people?" Her question directed more at the sky rather than me. "I don't understand how they.... you would choose a..." she stops herself holding her hand over her mouth.

"A what, Jennifer?"

"I didn't mean..."

"But you did. That's unfair." I tell her. "Xavier is your best friend JJ, is that what you think of him too."

"Of course not, but you see the way people look at them, you weren't here for long time Jessie."

"When did other people matter?" I ask, but I don't wait to hear her reply. She was right, I was gone for a long time, she changed.

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"Well Ly, yo' pa was an unfaithful piece of white......" Xavier stops when he sees me. "I guess that's my cue."

"Hey." I say when he's gone.

"Hey." Xylia laughs adjusting the long leather coat she probably borrowed from Xavier. Underneath, she's wearing a white turtleneck and jeans. "Alixavier was just joking round. You haven't seen Theo, have you?" 

"No, I haven't, why?" I ask.

"He's the only one who's read everything." She tells me.

"We are at a party and you want to go bum yourself out with Coby Rays notes?" I smile. Not surprising, but still gets me somehow.

"Ok, what do you suggest Jessie?" She asks then she leans up against house and looks up at the dome in the night sky.

"Do you like me?" I ask her, in my head. I'm afraid of the answer that will come with it. Maybe I should had been easier on Coby Ray. How is it that I'm here all at once, and she's just staring into the sky unfazed. Wait I didn't mean that. She is plagued other things, everyone else's things. Selfish, I know but in the end, if it comes down to her and the rest of the world, it will be me. I won't let her face the world alone this time.

"Um before...." She's looking at me now, "when Jennifer talked to you..." I move my hand under her jaw.

"Do you want to know what we talked about?" I ask her.

"No, I just..." she stops but she doesn't move away.

"Do you like me Xylia?" I hold my breath a little after the question just so she doesn't hear my heartbeat. She leans in and kisses me, her hands are cold on my face. She pulls away slightly, giving me a quick smile. She tucks my hair away and holds my chin, her eyes scanning mine. I extend my arm out to lean against the wall behind her. She tilts her head and runs her finger over the bridge of my nose. I hold her waist and pull her closer. I wish this were it. I wish time would stop because in this moment, she is looking at me. This must be it.

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