The Moments I Recall

WILL JONES

After losing to Harper in soccer several times, I think I have given up. Harpers head rests on my legs as I run my hands through her dark brown hair. She stares up at me, squinting from the sun and smiles. I lean forward with first intentions to shield her from the glare but I end up kissing her. And only after this, as I'm only a second away from another kiss, as her eyes stare up at mine, I feel guilt weighing in. How long could I keep this up if I know it is all a lie. Harper could had been more. She is stuck in a false reality were she needs me to be who she is and that is what they want.

"What?" She asks. If I tell her then what?

"My older brother died a while ago." I say. "He had a serve case of anxiety, and I didn't know. He committed suicide and I saw. It was partially my fault, but that started up my anxiety."

"You have anxiety?" She asks but her voice is quite and soft like the breeze. I expected her to be mad at me, you know, for not telling her.

"I do." I tell her.

"Is it bad? Why didn't you tell me." She sits up.

"I was afraid." I tell her. I was afraid, afraid I would end up like my brother. I keep using him like an excuse like he's supposed to define who I am. I'm stuck in moment in time that will only lead back to him. 

"But you could have Will." She says. There it is again, Will.

"I was afraid I would be the one holding the gun to my head Harper." I tell her. Trapped in the downwards spiral of everything I had ever done wrong, every mistake I had made no matter how much I have accomplished, no matter who loves me. In the end who am I really? I wake up one day questioning my whole life and realize I am who they wanted me to be.

"I won't let that happen." She tells me.

"That's exactly what I am afraid of Harper. I understand now what grief does to you. Suddenly it's your fault, it's always your fault. You didn't know, you should have known, you should had been there, but you weren't. And, what people don't understand is that you couldn't. It would have always been that way eventually, but it doesn't matter because we are human. We will always be at fault for being human. My gun will never be my own. In the end it will hit me, kill me no doubt, but leave a mark in every person who ever stood behind me, beside me, or for me. It will hurt you and Théo, my mom and dad, Matéus..... and that is exactly what I am afraid of."

"You can't be doing all this with us." She says.

"It's too late now to back out. I care about you guys and I want to help." I tell her. If it means all of this ends I will be there.

"But..." she starts, but I kiss her again, longer this time. It doesn't feel right, feels forced. A lot about Harper and I was forced, it's hard to tell now whether I wanted it to be this way. If life is a setup, a segment I think Theo called it, was this supposed to be? I have to bury my problems again around Harper and for her. I will do this a thousand times again for her, you know, in every segment that we are in; and she, the only one who could change our fate, might disappear forever. I'll wait for her, whatever happens I'll wait.

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