The Moments I Recall

WILL JONES

A series of his life translated....

"Thank you." I grin. "Whatever you said to Harper worked, it was kind of beating me up, you know, not being able to talk to her."

"No problem." Théo says, but he's distracted by all the activity around us. We sit by the back fence further away from all the people around the fire. I know somethings wrong. I want to help him, I do, but lately, everything wrong thing has been sparking up my anxiety. I couldn't even make Harper feel better. I've been off, everything I have ever built crumbling before me. You know, I keep seeing him now and I thought I was fine. My brothers bottle green eyes and the way he'd put his hands in his hair when he laughed. His smile and the way he'd cup his face when he cried. How he'd speak so effortlessly, lighting up every face in a room. How he was who he was, fluent and different. Look at me, my Portuguese is broken and only serving as inconvenience.

"What's wrong?" I can't leave Théo like this, not when at any second he could disappear again.

"I'm good Willjay." He says, but he doesn't look me in the eyes.

"Don't lie to me Théo." I say a little too harsh. Théo looks at me, just for a moment. Everything we've done, everything we've been through, flashing by in this moment. And none of it really matters, but all of it weighs on us like it means the world. One lie can separate what we knew.

"Harper and I kissed." He tells me. There it is again, the tingling, the ache. A million thoughts, a million things I could do or say, but not here. I'm Willjay remember. You are Willjay.

"Why?" I ask.

"Willjay I'm.... I'm...." he stops. Did he kiss her? Did she kiss him? Is he sorry? He knew I loved her. I do love her. If she wants to be with him, if their happy, they will be happy. Isn't that all you wanted?

"Do you like her?" I ask.

"No, no Willjay I wouldn't do that to you. I'm.... I...." he stops again. They knew each other first. Loved each other first. Since when did you get with girls Will? You gave yourself more than you could handle, more than you were allowed and you convinced yourself you were in love.

"I thought we were brothers Theo, just tell me. If you like her, I won't get mad." I tell him. I did love her.

"I know Willjay, but I don't like Harper. I don't even.... like.... girls, I am....."

"Gay?" I ask. Waves of relief subside within my mind. He nods his head. That could had been much more awkward for the both of us. I can't lose him.

"I am gay." He whispers, but something twists my insides. I don't know him. I never knew. Eight years is a long time. Why am I even here? Memories of those eight years are not even mine.

"I'm sorry." I tell him because I'm supposed to.

"You don't want to be around me anymore?" He says stabbing me with every word.

"No, I'm sorry you couldn't tell me sooner." I tell him because I mean it. "Theo if I had known before, nothing would had changed, well except, we'd be talking about guys instead of girls." I laugh. "Or at least I'd try my best to." He looks at me and smiles, then sighs.that when I realise, we don't know each other like before, and all that stuff before, no longer matters.

"I have anxiety."

"You what?" Théo says.

"I lied when I said Matéus moved away," I explain, "he... died."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks.

"He..... he shot himself in the head Théo. I was hiding in the backyard, in the tree and he stood there in the backyard calling for me." I begin. "I didn't know he had anxiety; I didn't see he was crying, waiting, looking for another reason, any reason. It was late at night and I don't know why, but I just sat there and watched him."

"Will." He says. This hurts me somewhere deep. 'Will' he said. I am Will remember. He puts his arms around me and says nothing else.

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