Chains

Chapter 13 - Nightmares

Lucy

I woke up to Jaxon thrashing wildly next to me again. He was deeply asleep, but moaning desperate pleas "Please no, stop, no more".

"He's having another nightmare", I thought to myself. He hasn't had a good night's sleep since we fled from the pack. Truthfully though, he hasn't had a good night's sleep in years. I know. There were nights I spent outside the barracks under the window where his bed was located. I heard him crying as he was abused through the night. I'd cried myself on those occasions because there was nothing I could do except try and ease his suffering on the mornings after.

Then there were the parties at the pack house; those were even worse. I'd witnessed one of them accidentally when I'd had urgent business that took me there after a scouting mission. I'd witness the debauchery from the hallway as I'd made my way up to Alpha's office to make my report to Beta Terrence. Pete not receiving the report as he was one of those I'd seen in the great room as I'd passed by. I would never forget the sight of Jaxon being raped by a group of men all at the same time, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling the whole time. I had nightmares myself about that once in a while; it was no surprise me that he has nightmares.

"Jax, wake up", I shook him gently.  

He didn't wake up, so I shook more vigorously and still, he didn't wake up. He has nightmares every night but usually wakes up relatively easily. He seems more caught up in the dream than normal tonight. "Wake up, Jax", I said shaking him again. This time he moaned, not really waking up, but coming out of the nightmare a little.

"Thanks, Luc", he said after a bit, becoming more lucid and awake with each moment. "I'm sorry I bothered you again".

"Don't worry about that", I hugged him. "Are they not getting any better?" I asked, referring to the nightmares.

"No, I don't think so", he said, barely above a whisper. I wrapped my arms around him again, snuggling him against my side. I kissed the top of his head, feeling the shudders passing through his tiny body.

After a while, he calmed down and pulled away. "Go back to sleep", he told me, "I'm okay".

He lay back down and closed his eyes. I knew he was pretending, but I didn't know what to do so I lay down by his side again and wrapped my arms around him. It wasn't long before I fell back to sleep.

Jaxon

I lay there next to Lucy, her arm wrapped snugly around my waist after I calmed down. It wasn't long before long her breathing changed, and I knew she had fallen back to sleep. I don't think I'll be able to fall back to sleep myself any time soon. I was afraid of the dreams. Dreams of my former reality, and what I desperately feared could be my future reality as well.

Every time I closed my eyes, images coursed through my head. Images I wish I could forget, if that were only possible. Images of me laying there, helpless to stop what was happening to me. Men ramming their hard members deep into my body. Sometimes more than one at a time. Grunting and groaning as they reached their climax, one after another after another. It went on and on, seemingly endless. Their slaps, pinches, bites and punches, they roughed me up as they took me, whispering in my ear that I was nothing but a whore, good for nothing but being fucked. That I was filthy and as such, I deserved what they did. I don't remember exactly when I started believing them; but they were right, I am good for nothing, worthless.

I don't deserve happiness. As 'used goods', I know they're right, they told it to me again and again as they pumped themselves into me. I can't even count all the men who have used me. Too many, that's all I remember. I'll never know love like I once dreamed. Even my mate, chosen by the Goddess herself, proved I wasn't worthy of love, rejecting me as soon as the bond manifested. Yes, I know I'm not worthy. And as if I needed further proof of that, he'd just given me to others, one more sign that I am filth, not worthy of love. As I lay there thinking, I couldn't help but wonder what lies ahead for me now; my goal of having a family of my own to take care of is never going to happen. What am I going to do? How will I survive? I have no real skills, my only plan was to find my mate and spend my life running our home, raising our children and making them happy.

These nightmares haunt me. Every night. Sometimes, like tonight, they're bad enough that I disturbed my sister's sleep. Will I ever be able to forget?  

My only dream as I was growing up was to find my mate and have someone love me. That's never going to happen now. I remembered the love that I witnessed between my parents. They loved each other so much anybody could tell that they couldn't live without each other. They snuck little kisses whenever they thought we weren't looking. Dad slyly brushed mom's hand with gentle caresses whenever he could; she blushed sweetly when he did it. In all those little ways they showed their love for one another, and that is what I had always wanted for myself. That dream was broken, shattered beyond repair. I was never going to be loved like that by anyone; I was too filthy to even hold that kind of dream any more. Not to mention, the one true love I was supposed to have also thought I wasn't good enough. My dream is long gone now. The only future I see stretching ahead of me is a lonely one.

I felt my tears fall down my face, muddying the ground beneath my cheek. I did my best to hold my sobs back; I didn't want to wake Lucy again. I ask myself again why do I keep going; I'm a useless burden to everyone around me. Lucy has carried the brunt of that burden, taking care of me for the last four years; years she should have spent being a young girl rather than caring for a filthy, good for nothing worthless whore like me. My parents were even forced out of their pack and home because of me. It would be better for everyone if I were gone, or never have been born in the first place. If I were gone, everyone would free of the burden I am. This isn't the first time my thoughts have taken me to this dark place, but I know I'm too much of a coward to do anything about them. Just another indication of my worthlessness.

I cried silently until the first light of dawn began to lighten the skies. I carefully wriggled myself out of Lucy's grasp and crawled out of our cave to watch the sun rise. It's amazing that something so beautiful would shine on something so filthy as me. There was still beauty in the world, even if it didn't include me anymore.