FEMALE LEAD SERIES BOOK 1: HIRED GUN

Chapter 31 - Feelings Confirmed (EDITED)

ANDRIETTE LOUISE DE VERA

Mourning was never really bothersome for me. Sure, I feel sad every once in a while, cry if I'm sad enough. But I've never been stuck in a situation where I can't feel anything but deep sadness. Because I have never lost someone close to me that made me stop and grieve.

Until now.

It's a strange feeling, actually.

It feels like falling in an endless pit of dark nothingness, and you dont know what to expect. You dont know whether the emotional black hole would stop at one point or would it swallow you whole. And you can't do anything about it but let it happen. It was like fighting an invisible being, you feel the pain but can't see where and how it's hitting you.

It got to the point that thinking about Cam's death feels like a stab in the chest. I didnt know it was possible for emotional pain to morph into physical pain, but it did. And it had me gasping for air.

It was like getting beaten all over again. But this time, I was afraid. I was hurting from the inside, caused by an invisible force that I couldnt just ignore. It was just there. A prickling feeling that just got bigger and bigger.

And those who aren't strong enough get consumed by it all. And it's either they get back up and fight the looming signs of depression, or give up entirely. Succumbing into the depths of sadness and misery.

Cam was a great colleague and an admirable friend. He was there whenever Cris couldnt comfort me about something. He was there when I got into trouble once, when I was just starting my training in the agency.

He was my older brother. The one who I often asked advice when Andrei wasnt around.

And it pains me that I'm using past tense in describing all the amazing things he had done for me.

"Louise, come in. Mr. De Leon is with agent Pablo, correct?"

I gazed at the Director and nodded my head once. I couldnt talk. Not when the atmosphere in the room smells like death and sorrow. My voice just couldnt be trusted at the moment. I knew that if I talked right now, the dam would break, exposing all the sorrow and pain I've been holding inside.

"So, why did the two of you ask for this private discussion? Is it about the 'Cameron accident' ?"

"Yes sir, it is." Cris was stiff as well. His shoulders were tense. His jaw clenched, and his arms would fist every once and a while.

"Okay then. What is all this about?"

"Sir, Agent Beck has a lead on who would have been responsible for Mr. De Leon's long time attacker and Agent Black's murder." I swallowed, my voice was uncomfortably tight for my liking. Surprise and skepticism entered the Director's eyes. Not completely convinced at our sudden claim for a trace.

"Where did you get the lead from? Is it from one of our reliable sources? How are you sure that this isn't just a distraction to throw us off? I think you may have not realized but the Mafia we are dealing with are smart and agile. We can be easily fooled if we dont pay attention to details." I could see Cris suck in a breath. It was expected for the Director to react this way. He always reacted like this whenever we presented in front of him with intel about an important mission. And all of them came from our sources, our spies. So it wasnt really a thing to be worried about. But seeing as this one was just a hunch, a gut feeling with no possible evidence, it was understandable and expected for Cris to react that way.

"No sir. It did not come from a reliable source." I could practically see what was going on inside the Director's head. He opened his mouth, ready to scold Cris for what could've been a rookie mistake but I quickly cut in.