My Girl

51 | when you're gone

Two years ago

Once I park my car in the hospital parking lot, I run as fast as my legs can bring me.

Never have I thought that Mr. Lee, my apartment neighbor, would call and told me that there was an emergency. That Jasmine had just been brought into a hospital.

My heart is thumping wildly against my ribcage. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to her.

There, in the hallway across the door to the ICU, Mr. Lee is waiting for me. He stands up as soon as he notices me, and I run to him.

"What happened?" My voice is shaking because of the panic consuming me. "What happened to her?"

Mr. Lee shuts his eyes, as though he's bracing himself to tell me what happened. The moment he opens his eyes, I see the sadness in them. "She had complications." His voice is hoarse.

I freeze, staring at him in disbelief. "What's that supposed to mean?" I raise my voice.

As far as I remember, Jasmine is having a cold, just like the usual cold that she sometimes caught once or twice per year. She should have gotten better after taking the medicine I gave her.

Mr. Lee takes a deep breath. The old man looks like he's going to collapse himself. "I stayed in my son's place last night and only came back this afternoon. When I was about to enter my apartment, Jasmine came out, all pale," he croaks. "She must have heard me coming back. She soon collapsed in my arms."

My entire body is shaking. My sister is terribly sick, and I didn't even realize it.

"The doctor said that the flu has caused her brain, heart, and muscles to become inflamed, which led to sepsis."

I feel like my heart just stops beating. It's such an emergency condition that can be fatal if not immediately treated. Jasmine is only ten years old. How was she supposed to know about this?

And she'd been alone in the apartment while I was gone half of the day. Why didn't she call me? Why didn't she tell me to come home, knowing how sick she was?

How could I be so reckless? I should have known that it wasn't just a common cold.

"She's having a high fever," Mr. Lee rasps. "When I held her, she was burning."

I feel like I want to explode. A high fever?

Jasmine was having a high fever, and I didn't know about it? No, it's impossible. How come I didn't know?

My throat hurts because of the lump in my throat. Had I hold her or kiss her forehead before I went out, just like I usually did, I would have known.

But today, I didn't. I just rushed out of the apartment because I was worried about Amy.

I feel like the world around me is spinning, and I have to grab onto Mr. Lee's shoulder to prevent myself from collapsing.

The door to the ICU suddenly opens, and I rush toward the doctor.

"Are you her family?" he asks me, and I quickly nod.

"I'm her brother. Please, how is she?"

The look on the doctor's face makes me want to kill myself, because I've never seen such a devastated look. There's only sadness in his voice when he announces, "I'm sorry. She didn't make it."

Everything around me feels like crumbling into pieces and buries me into darkness. I shake my head in denial, tears welling up in my eyes. I refuse to believe him.

This couldn't just happen in a blink of an eye.

Maybe I've heard him wrong. I haven't lost my sister. I haven't.

Seeing the disbelief on my face, the doctor gives me another sympathetic look. "We're sorry that we didn't manage to save her in time. Her immune system was weakened that her body was having a hard time not only fighting the virus off but also fighting any subsequent infections that could develop."

I feel like someone has just snatched my heart out of my ribcage, stomped it, and crushed it into nothingness.

Jasmine didn't make it. She didn't survive, and I wasn't even there with her.

"Your sister has passed away, and I'm truly sorry for your loss, Mr. Jackson." The doctor holds my shoulder gently in an attempt to comfort me.

But all I can feel is pain. Pain so great that I wonder how I'm still breathing with it.

I refuse to believe that she's no longer in this world, that she has left me.

It's all my fault.

I didn't even know that she was sick. I left her. I left her alone when she needed me the most.

All this time, I've raised her with utmost care. I took care of her when she was still a tiny baby. I fed her, watched her grow up, and protected her from any harm in this world. I worked hard for her, wishing that she didn't have to experience the same agony I felt when I was little.

And now, just because of one mistake, she's gone. She's gone. Forever.

"No, you don't understand." I grip the doctor's shoulders, shocking him with this sudden movement. "She's everything to me." My voice is barely a whisper. "She's all I have."

The doctor can only stare at me with the same devastated look, and that makes my heart burn.

"You're lying," I hiss. "You're lying to me," I roar, my loud voice echoing in the hallway. "Let me see her." My voice is shaking uncontrollably. "Let me see her," I snap, barging into the room.

No one dares to stop me, and my heart freezes as I watch the nurse cover her face with the white cloth.

"No," I bark, storming at her.

She yelps as I yank the cloth off Jasmine's face, and I freeze in an instant, staring at my dead sister.

Jasmine's face is pale, and she's no longer breathing.

My trembling fingers brush across her cheek as I collapse onto her, crying my eyes out. I won't be able to see this face anymore for the rest of my life. I won't be able to hold this little form anymore.

"Jasmine," I choke, tears streaming down my face. "Please, you can't do this to me. You can't leave me alone." Silence falls, and the only sound that can be heard in this room is the sound of me sobbing. "Jasmine!" I roar and bury my face in her shoulder, hugging her body tightly in my arms.

I don't want to let her go.

We were always together. Even when everybody else left, even when our parents didn't want us, we stayed together.

She can't be gone. How am I supposed to live with this pain? With this guilt?

Why? Why didn't she tell me that she was in pain? Why didn't she call me to come home?

I let my tears dampen her shoulder, already feeling that my soul is leaving my body.

"We're going to LA, Jasmine," I rasp. "You can go sightseeing to any place you want, buy any clothes you like, and eat everything you want. I have a new job there, you know?"

But she doesn't respond. It's only me talking to myself.

I don't know how long I've been crying while holding her, but I know for sure that my soul is dead today.

Today, I've lost two people I love.

One is my little sister, whom I've cherished since the day she came to this world.

And the second one is Amelia Davis, the girl who left me, crushing my heart until it doesn't exist anymore.