Promise of Beating Hours (Sunset Avenues #2)

Promise of Beating Hours

The scenery was meant to console broken hearts..it gives comfort and peace. I used to admire it ever since.

Patuloy ang ginawa kong paghakbang, hindi ko na alintana kung saan ako dinadala ng paa ko. I just wanted to free myself from all the worries and pain. Ngunit sa aking pagtingala at sa pagpikit ay parang alaalang rumaragasa. Kasabay ng pagdilat at mistulang ang lamig ang humalili sa init na yumayakap sa akin.. Noon.

"I was only seventeen when we started as lovers, Christiano. I was so young for a relationship and you were my..first everything..But I am a human too, I go through change and..."

"Did I take advantage of you all these years?"

Umiling ako. "Alam mong ginusto ko rin ang nangyari. But you know..a person cannot grow if he or she is trapped in a place that is not healthy for her or for him. And that place, in time, would surely suffocate and it would hurt them both."

Home is comfort. Growth is comforting. But the home is no longer comforting when we grow up. That the growth we need is no longer in the hands of whom we dedicated the definition of home. As time passes by, we aim for a growth that is outside of our comfort.

"I love you, Celestia." His voice broke. Isang imahe na sa aking mga mata ay onti-onting nanlalambot, nanghihina at nasasaktan.

But what can I do? What is there to save?

Tumango ako. "Mag-ingat ka pag-uwi mo," garalgal ang boses na sambit ko.

Pinanood ko ang alon na mistulang dinadala ang agos sa gitna ng karagatan at hindi na humalik sa dalampasigan. Tumigil ako ilang sandali nang mapunang malayo na ako sa pinanggalingan. Walang turista roon pero ang tanawing aking nakikita ay ganoon pa rin. Papalubog ang araw..

Umupo ako sa buhangin. Nilapag ko sa aking tabi ang bote ng alak at niyakap ang aking tuhod. Hinayaan ko ang luhang pumatak.

Is love considered to be a need? Do we need love to keep us breathing and alive? How many times do I have to experience this? How many times do I have to question myself regarding these?

Then I opened the first bottle, walang seremonyang dinala sa labi at diretsong nilagok. Lumatay sa aking lalamunan ang pait at hapdi. But I couldn't care less. Hindi ko pa nauubos ang laman ng bote nang maramdaman ko ang matinding hilo. Na para bang ang bawat bagay na nakikita ko ay umiikot.

But that's the place that I thought I needed at that moment.. That I need the warmth, the overbearing heat after the shivering cold. I need it. My soul needs it.

Sinubukan kong makalimot. Sinubukan ko uling pumikit dahil isang sirang plaka na paulit-ulit pero hindi ko pa rin matanggap. I pitied myself even more as I chose the silence even if I had a hunch. I kept it silent because I wanted us to fix it and compromise.

Naging bulag din ako. Naging bulag na naman ako. Even when it feels like..he's cheating on me, I stayed and still hoped for a peaceful exit. And I came to understand that I will go through that phase of questioning my very existence, my capability to maintain a relationship.

"Who is she, babe?"

I didn't lash out. I didn't question the girl nor him. Hindi ko sila pinagsalitaan ng masasama. Tinignan ko siya sa mata at alam naming pareho. I knew that he got it. It's over.

"Your relationship is boring, Prami. Ikaw ang uri ng babae na walang excitement, walang thrill," sambit ng babae. Nakatitig lang ako sa kan'ya nang blangko at hindi nagsalita.

Perhaps.. It's not them. But it's me already. Hindi siguro sila iyong problema.. Baka ako talaga. Dahil bakit.. bakit laging iisa iyong rason? Bakit iba't ibang tao pero halos magkakapareho? Distansya.. May mga bagay na hindi ko maibigay at hahanapin nila iyon sa iba.. at panahon lang ang makakapagsabi.

Tama nga siguro na hindi ako magiging sapat. I am not a good enough reason for the people I love, for them to believe in fateful love. I smiled amidst the tears, I am indeed the problem. Ako nga talaga siguro..

Itinaas ko ang bote ng alak, pretending that I was in some kind of party.

Kung gaano kadaling nag-umpisa, ganoon din kabilis natapos. I couldn't deny it.. I couldn't because.. Kahit ilang beses ko mang sabihin na, hindi wala lang iyon, lilipas din iyong sakit.. pero para.. para mangyari sa una.. sa pangalawa at sa pangatlong beses..

Umahon lang ulit ako mula sa dagat upang ilagay sa dalampasigan ang walang lamang bote ng alak. Nanonoot ang pait sa aking lalamunan. Mahapdi rin ang aking sikmura. Hindi naman ako madaling tamaan ng alak pero siguro sa kagustuhan at sa desperasyon na rin ay hindi ko na napigilan. 

"Pram..I'm sorry. She's already five months pregnant and her family threatened me..."

"Five months pregnant?! And all those times you were whispering I love you, I suddenly wonder if they were true? Sa lahat ng sinabi mo, Kirby, itong..itong nakabuntis ka ng ibang babae lang ba ang totoo?"

"Prami.."

Dinuro ko siya kahit nanginginig na ang aking buong katawan sa galit. "You are a coward!" I bit my lower lip to suppress my sobs. Ayokong ipakitang nasasaktan ako. Pero traydor ang aking mga luha.

"You are such a coward! Wala kang pinagkaiba sa kanila, Kirby! And I thought that you are different from them.."

I bit my lips painfully as I roamed my eyes around. Bukod sa mga punong niyog ay wala na akong makita. I shrugged my shoulders. Nang maubos ko ang laman ng bote'y, bumalik ako sa tubig. Naisipan ko ring makipaghabulan sa banayad na alon kahit hindi na tuwid ang pagkakatayo.

Humalakhak ako nang dahil sa pagtakbo ay natapilok. Hindi ko ininda ang sakit. Bagkus ay tumayo ako't ngumiti. Umahon at hinayaan ang sariling damhin ang alon na dumadampi sa aking katawan. Basa na ang suot kong see-through dress kaya initsa ko na lang iyon sa kung saan.

Nakipaglaro ako sa alon sa kabila ng lamig. I had fun almost drowning. Then again, I needed the cold to subdue the heat - to calm me, to put me into place.

Bigla akong napatili nang maapakan ang isang matulis na bagay. Napangiwi ako at mahinang napamura dahil sa hapdi at sakit.

Abot na sa aking leeg ang tubig at nahihirapan akong bumalik sa dalampasigan. There's no way for me to escape. Isama pa ang nananakit kong talampakan. And curse me because I don't know how to swim at my age!

"Fuck! Why do you have to be so careless, Celestia?!"

I heard it somewhere na siyang nagpalingon sa'kin. The cold eyes that mirror his personality.. The warmth that my eyes used to reflect in that pair of eyes. The presence that made me tremble and constantly remind myself of the distance, of the opposition, of two different worlds.

As if.. gaining what I have lost in the cold.. in the rain.. in his eyes and what once I thought as his love.

The scenery was meant to console broken hearts. But at that moment, I remembered the very reason why I was brought to the same place I was drenched and broken. Why I opted to be there.

I thought of redemption, to reconcile with the pain.. to unfold and uncover the past so I could fully stand up and walk again.. and face what I have always thought as the sun, a symbolism of warm promises and not of cold deception.

"Now, kiss me," matapang na hamon ko.