The Marble Notebooks

Chapter 41

I woke up the next morning and looked to Julia's side of the bed, hoping a miracle occurred overnight and she would be back. Of course, the bed was empty. I stared at the ceiling for a while. My mind was creating the most horrible scenarios Julia could be in right now. My stomach ached at the thought of her out there with the Brotherhood.

I didn't hear any noises coming from the living area so I decided to sneak out to grab some food while everyone was still asleep. I quietly made my way down the hall and into the kitchen and Pietro was sitting at the counter.

"Hi," He mumbled as I grabbed a mug from the shelf to make coffee.

"You're up early," I commented.

"Uh... couldn't sleep," He shrugged.

The bags under his eyes were dark. He was fiddling with his spoon in a bowl full of soggy cereal. Pietro is usually a late sleeper and a fast eater. I didn't expect him to be so torn up about what happened, he always acts as nothing gets to him. I debated going back to Julia's room alone, but I poured my coffee and sat with him at the counter.

"Me neither," I said. "I think I slept for a little... I couldn't really tell," I sighed and stirred the dash of milk into my coffee.

"I didn't think it was going to happen," He whispered. I looked over at his eyes. He was zoned out staring at the cabinets ahead of us. "I didn't think we would... we would lose," He said and broke his stare to look back at me.

Those words made my heart drop. We lost. We had two goals on the mission and we only completed one. We got the tesseract. And we lost her.

"We lost," I mumbled.

"Yeah," He sighed. "It fucking sucks," He said and shoved the soggy cereal bowl away from him.

We sat in silence for a while. I don't know exactly what he was thinking about but the way he leaned back in his chair and the sound of his irregular breathing told me he was thinking about her. How could he not? I've never seen Pietro sit still and in silence for this long.

Eventually, Wanda came out into the kitchen where we were sitting.

"Good morning," She mumbled and grabbed a mug of coffee. "Pietro, have you slept?"

"No," He answered.

"Well you should try," She shrugged.

"I can't,"

"Try,"

"Ugh," He rolled his eyes at her. "How am I supposed to sleep!?" He shouted at her.

"Pietro-"

"No! I can't stop thinking for one fucking second about how we fucked this up! She came here to find us. To find you and me to keep her safe and we fucking failed, Wanda," He continued.

Wanda was silent. I could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. I wanted to say something to them, but I couldn't come up with one thing to say.

"I'm sorry," Pietro groaned and rubbed his tired eyes with his fists.

"It's fine," Wanda sighed.

"I'm going to lay down, I guess." Pietro hopped off the stool and walked down the hallway to his room and slammed the door shut.

"He... I didn't think he would be so... I dunno," I said to Wanda, making little to no sense.

"Me neither," She shrugged and emptied out his cereal bowl to clean. "He's right," She said. "We let her down," She choked on her words and I saw a single tear roll down her cheek.

"I know," I answered.

We finished our coffees together without another word. Seeing Wanda and Pietro as distraught as I am, made me feel a little better in a weird and twisted way.

The rest of the guys began coming out of their rooms to eat and start their day. I decided to go back into Julia's room to hide out for the day. I don't think I am able to talk about what happened or have pointless conversations with the guys. I would just end up snapping at someone and regretting it later.

Luckily, no one knocked on my door all day. I put on the cartoons that Julia likes to listen to try and fall asleep. I think I was in and out of sleep all day. My eyes would feel heavy and they would shut for a while and my mind drifted into sleep, then a vision of her face would appear in my head or a slight whisper of her voice would ring in my ears and I would have to start all over again.

I debated rummaging through her closet for her secret stash of weed. Sure I've never done it, but she always swore it helped her sleep. But I don't want to try it without her, and I really had no desire to try it anyway. I was just desperate to sleep and rest my mind for a moment. Instead, I raided the bar downstairs. I grabbed any bottle of alcohol that was full and put it in a box to bring upstairs. I spread it out on the kitchen counter to pick which bottle I would down first.

"I'm not sure drinking's going to help much," I heard Sam say from the side of the room. I didn't think anyone would be out here this late. It was now almost three A.M and I hadn't heard anyone up since midnight.

"Nothing's going to help," I groaned and twisted the cap off of a vodka bottle. "But it's worth a shot," I shrugged and brought the bottle to my lips to chug.

"Julia wouldn't want you doing this," He sighed.

I took the bottle away from my mouth and slammed it on the counter. "How the fuck would you know?"

"I don't," He shrugged and stepped over to the counter. "But I know how much she loves you and she wouldn't want you to do stupid shit on her behalf," He said.

I took a couple more swigs from the bottle and twisted the cap back on.

"She would want me to get some sleep. And that's what I'm trying to do," I argued.

I felt the burning sensation lingering in my throat. I just wished it would take over already.

"I guess so," Sam huffed and leaned on the counter in front of me. "I just don't wanna see you destroy yourself over her, man. She's gonna be back soon and you don't want to be someone she'll be disappointed in,"

"How do you know she'll be back soon? We don't know shit!" I exclaimed. "We don't know where she is, what she's doing, or what they're doing to her... we don't know anything," I said trailing off at the end.

"I know. The unknown is scary and it's going to eat you alive if you keep thinking about it. You gotta keep your mind occupied," Sam responded.

"I'm trying," I said sarcastically and waved the vodka bottle in front of his face.

"Alright, man." He sighed. "Try to get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning." He said and left the kitchen.

As I walked back to Julia's room I thought about what Sam said. He's kind of right. Julia would hate how I am coping with this. She would want me to be with Steve and Sam for support and go about my regular routine. I wish I could do that for her. But all I can think about is her somewhere out there in pain, wishing we did more to help her. I sat down on the edge of Julia's bed and the room began to spin. Once I laid on my back and shut my eyes, the voices in my head got quieter and quieter.