Sailing Close to the Wind

SCW 29

CONTENT ADVISORY:

This episode contains depictions/strong implications of attempted suicide, as well as language that may trigger depression or anxiety. Please read at your own discretion.

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"Look at you sitting there like a scared puppy. Even from several chairs away, I can still smell the disappointment buried deep within you."

I flinched in my seat when Mama spoke in her mocking voice. I gripped my fork tighter, hinahanda ko na ang sarili kong saluhin lahat ng panunumbat nila. I admit, I really did mess up. First with the incident at Gahala's university, and now because I failed the second semester.

"Ano? Niloko ka?" may panunuyang tanong niya saka natawa. "Ang tanga-tanga mo kasi. Hindi mo ginagamit utak mo."

I gulped and kept my head down, feeling my cheeks heat. Bawat salitang lumalabas sa kaniya, para akong sinusuntok sa dibdib.

"We already warned you, didn't we?" paninisi niya pa. "But because you're stupid, naniwala ka naman sa mga pangako at kasinungalingan niya. Ayan. So, where are those promises now? Na hindi ka niya lolokohin? Na papakasalan ka niya? Ha?"

I hate Gahala, but I wished he were here to tell them that, for a time, our love was true. Na mali sila. Na sana nandito siya para ipagtanggol ako sa kanila at sabihin na minsan niya din akong minahal ng totoo. Naminsan niya ding nakita ang sarili niya...na pakasalan ako.

"I told you to prioritize your studies! Pero hindi ka nakinig kasi mahal mo siya. Kabobohan. Ano ngayon ang nangyari?! Bumagsak ka sa sem? Ha! This is unbelievable! Anak ng principal pero bumagsak?! The whole town is laughing at us!" She threw the utensils on the table angrily, making us all to jolt in our seats.

"And you even made a scene at your ex's school! You're involved in violence! Are you really that desperate? God, you're so pathetic! Kung lalandi ka sana ginalingan mo naman! Sana hindi ka nagpaloko! Look at the mess you made! You dragged us into it! We already told you not to run to us if he ruined you!"

"I'm sorry, Ma. I didn't expect to fail the semester," I trembled. "I didn't expect him to cheat on me. I didn't expect any of it."

"Did he take your virginity?"

I was speechless and looked at her with a horrified expression. "Ma—"

"Did he?" she asked again, laughing at my reaction. "Of course he did! And now where is he? He ran away, didn't he? Tanga tanga ka kasi."

That made me tear up. "Ma, minahal niya din naman po ako. Talagang...hindi niya lang sinasadyang magmahal ng iba. "

What I said made her laugh as if she had heard something utterly ridiculous. "Naririnig mo ba 'yang sinasabi mo, Amara? Kahit ngayon, hindi mo pa rin pinapagana 'yang utak mo. Gamitin mo naman 'yan paminsan-minsan. Minahal ka niya? Kung mahal ka niya, hindi ka niya lolokohin! Sabagay, kung ako naman sa posisyon niya, hindi ako magsesettle sa isang kagaya mo! On someone who's not that smart, someone who's not that pretty! I'll find someone better. Naghanap siya ng iba because you're not enough! That's the truth. He cheated on you because you're lacking. Why would he settle for someone who's a failure?"

Para akong sinasaksak sa mga salitang binitawan niya. She had already crossed the line.

"Tama na, Lilura," Dad intervened.

I stood up and looked at her. I tried to wipe my tears, but they kept flowing. Even my tears were betraying me.

"Instead of comforting me, sinumbat niyo pa sa akin! Oo na! Tanga ako! Bobo ako! Hindi ako matalino! Wala akong kwenta! It's my fault I got cheated on! I already know that! Huwag niyo ng isampal pa!" umiiyak na sigaw ko.