Sailing Close to the Wind

SCW 44

"The person who broke you cannot heal you. Healing requires a safe place, and you can't be safe with someone who has caused you pain."

Those words linger in my mind as I walk out of Dr. Cruz's clinic.

I can’t seem to fathom why the person who once made me happy could no longer make me feel safe. Is it because he has hurt me before, and I’m aware he could do it again? Ganoon ba 'yon? Will it not change even if we try harder this time?

I was lost in thought until I noticed Gahala standing up as soon as he saw me. He’s been accompanying me ever since I resumed therapy.

"How was the session?" he asked while opening the door of the car for me.

"It was fine," sagot ko sa kaniya nang maupo na siya sa driver's seat.

When he found out what happened to me, the first thing he did when I opened my eyes was apologize. But even so, I can tell he's still troubled and feels guilty about it. He knows that a simple apology can’t make up for what I’ve been through.

"Gahala,"

"Hmm?"

I looked at him. The weather was sunny, but the mood between us felt dull. Something has changed, yet neither of us is bringing it up. Na para bang pagod na kaming dalawa at hinahayaan na lang namin ang nangyayari.

I can’t figure out what it is. Wala namang nagbago sa trato niya sa akin. Ramdam ko pa rin naman ang pagmamahal niya. But love was supposed to make you feel warm, yet his leaves me feeling cold. Was it the sadness in our eyes as we smile at each other? Or his lonely touch? It felt like the shade of our world was slowly turning gray.

"What are you thinking?" I couldn’t help but ask him as I watched him in the rearview mirror. I could tell his mind was wandering somewhere.

Napalingon siya sa akin at nginitian ako. "I love you," he said instead of answering me.

"Something’s wrong?"

He shook his head, which made me purse my lips. Wala daw pero halata namang mayroon.

"Should we eat first so you can take your medication?" he asked in the gentlest way possible. "Where do you want to go?" he added when I nodded.

"Hmm, mag-iisip pa ako " Sagot ko saka kinuha ang cellphone niya to search for nearby places. Tumango lang siya at hinayaan ako.

I opened his phone and went to the web browser. I was about to type something in the search bar when the website page he recently visited caught my attention.

"How to help someone with depression. "

I was at a loss. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong reaksyon doon. I scrolled down at binasa ang content ng page. I tapped the back button and discovered that he’d been reading the results from his searches.

I gulped and couldn’t help but be emotional because he was really trying hard.

I secretly wiped my tears and turned to him. I plastered a small smile. "Should we go to your favorite restaurant?"

"Do you want that?" sulyap niya sa akin.

"Yeah."

He held my hand and squeezed it. Napatingin ako sa kamay namin when I felt his touch slide down... slowly slipping away from mine. I suddenly felt cold and empty as the warmth of his fingertips faded.

"Amara!" I felt someone shaking me. "Okay ka lang ba?"

I blinked my eyes when the close-up view of Vien's face greeted me. Natagalan pa ako bago sumagot. Kinuha ko ang kamay niya palayo sa akin bago tumango. "Yeah? What's up?"