Goodbye Troyler // EDITING

Happy Sadness

Troyes POV

I know you think I'm the bad guy. The villain to the story. I asked for space and I'm the dick that would rather ditch their best-friend for a boy, but you have to understand my side of the story.

I was completely in love with Tyler. Head over heels would be an understatement. Everyone could see it–My parents, friends, fans. It wasn't a secret I was trying to hide. They knew and he knew. He knew the way I looked at him wasn't just friendly. The way that I reached for his hand to hold more than just in a physical way, wasn't just because he was a person I looked up too. He wasn't stupid. He knew.

And despite the fact that he may have found me attractive, if he even that, he chose to run. Everytime I brought up something or shared my feelings casually, he would find something to change the subject.

I couldn't just tell myself it was because he was scared or nervous, we all know that Tyler Oakley didn't hide his feeling when he liked a boy. He would put them on a pedestal and tell everyone he encountered about them. Maybe that's why I was so keen on the whole shipping extravaganza. That maybe if everyone else could see it, he could see it too. However that's not what happened.

We grew distant after it got too much. The kiss, the one I so foolishly thought up, was the big realization that it was out of control. We'd say jump, and they'd, the fans, say how high. I don't regret it though obviously–We raised 500,000 dollars for charity and that's the most incredible thing, but when I think back, I wonder if that would have happened if I didn't say I'd kiss him in my drunken state.

I know he wondered that too because he said a little while after that next time around he wanted to see if he could raise 500,000 without my help. "Without whoring ourselves out there" were Tylers exact words.

I guess what I'm trying to say is after that whole ordeal, we weren't the same Tyler and Troye. I mean as far as the both of us came we were still skyping and texting everyday, tweeting flirty messages ever so often, but we weren't like we were before. But my feelings didn't change. I still tried to get him to realize but as much as I was pushing toward him, he was pushing away.

That's why I had to move on. I started going out more with Connor to just forget about Tyler but somewhere along the lines I started to fall for him. It was never my plan. All I wanted was a wing man but it turned into something more.

It started slow, just playing around while I worked on losing the romantic feelings for Tyler, but it picked up a bit after New Years. And it wasn't like Connor just said you need to tell Tyler to back off. No, he of course didn't want me to not hangout with Tyler, So I only asked him if it bothered him. He told me that the fandom was kind of intimidating and he got a little jealous how everyone shipped Tyler and I together, but he would never ask for Tyler and I to quit talking.

So I just requested space to make Connor happy. Is that so wrong?

But when Tyler said " Okay, I'll leave you alone(;" I remembered when he told me he uses winking faces either when he's flirting or when he wants to get out of a awkward situation. He's clearly not flirting so I wondered why what I said made him feel awkward. I never wanted to make him feel not wanted, but I also didn't want Connor to feel intimated by the fans for shipping Tyler and I so hardcore.

It was a roller coaster full of thoughts and I didn't know where to turn. I want Tyler as a friend but I didn't want Connor feeling like the second choice.

I walked over to Sage's room and laid on her bed. She knew something was on my mind that I needed to get off my chest immediately. Perks of being close to your family. But It was difficult to explain my feelings when I didn't even know them myself.

I told her everything and read her the messages with Tyler, ending with what Tyler told me about the wink and awkward situations. Sage has always likes Tyler, so I know she wouldn't choose favorites.

" Troye. " Sage said looking at me frowning.

I looked at her curiously and waited for her to continue. In all honestly, I was afraid with what would come from her mouth next.

" The way you said it in the text made it sound like because you have a guy, you and this boy, who can I say is also Tyler's friend, wanted Tyler to back off. So not only did his Best friends start dating they also don't want him interfering with them. Tyler must feel left out and sad that he doesn't get to talk to you now or for awhile. You guys use to talk everyday."

  A lot of people didn't know about Connor and Tyler fighting considering they never spoke about it. So it didn't surprise me when Sage assumed we were all still best friends when in reality, it was like a path and I had to choose which road to follow.

"So what do I do Sage." I sighed, letting her words sink into my brain. It didn't take a genius to know they were true.

" Honestly Troye. I feel like their isn't anything you can do. Because trying to make him understand the situation isn't going to change his feelings about it. It's still gonna suck because your growing closer to Connor and you care more for Connor at this point. You need to let him go if that's what you want him to do to you"

Let him go? I don't want to let him go. He's my best friend and I can't really imagine my life without him.

  I care for Tyler so much. Ever since I met him, our friendship clicked and he makes me laugh harder then anyone else can. I am who I am today because of him and without him, I honestly could never have done what I have with my life.

But Connor holds my heart right now and I want to be with him. He knows what to say to make my day and he gives me butterflies in the same way Tyler used too.

" Thanks Sage. I love you" I said blowing her a kiss and rolled off her bed.

Before I left she gave a small smile and I headed out the door. For a second it looked like she was almost disappointed. But I shook it off knowing that was just nonsense. She just wanted what's best for me.

When I got to my room my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was hoping it was Tyler because he hasn't responded to my text and he already read it, but it was Connor. I wanted to hear his voice so i ended up just calling him. Not caring about my phone bill at this point.

" Troye Sivan." He said and my heart hurt at the way he said it. It reminded me too much of the way Tyler would say it.

"Connor Franta" I say back to him.

" What's up?" He asks. The sound of his microwave going off in the background distracts me.

"Just got done talking to my sister." I explained listening to his mumbled curse words when he touched the hot object in he microwave. I smiled at the ridiculous boy.

" Oh, about what?"

" Tyler." I say bluntly knowing that Connor wouldn't get Jealous.

"What's going on?" His concern melted my heart.

I explained the situation to him and waited for his response.

" Oh no." Was all he said.

" Yeah."

" Do you want me to drive over there and talk to him and explain that you didn't mean it like that." He asked. I knew that would only upset Tyler more so I decided against it.

" No, no it's fine. Thankyou though that's really sweet of you to do that for me." I whispered. He always knew the right things to say.

" Anything for you Troye. I mean it."

We said our goodbyes. And I got ready for bed, but something told me I was gonna be up late tonight.

I sat in bed staring at the conversation with Tyler and I. I defiantly fucked up with the wording. I sent him one last message.

"I'm Sorry Tyler."