The Way I Need You

Chapter 23

KAO

"Can I talk to you?" Papa Ed sits beside me on the patio located near the vegetable garden.

"Of course, Papa Ed." I put down the cup of coffee I'm holding at the table in front of us. I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep, so I just choose to go out here and wait for the sunrise.

"I heard about what happened at Glitzy." I look at Papa Ed, worried. "The older kids showed me the video. They were apprehensive to ask you about it."

"I'm sorry." I look down to my lap and started playing with my fingers, nervous that Papa Ed will be disappointed in me.

"Why are you sorry? From what I saw, you did not do anything wrong."

I turned to Papa Ed who is casually sipping his own cup of coffee, "But Pete."

"Hmm? What about Pete?" He turned his head and look at me thoughtfully.

I look at Papa Ed, trying to read whatever he is thinking. There was a long moment of silence between us, Papa Ed patiently waiting for my response.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before I say, "We're boyfriends."

"Pete's a nice kid." Papa Ed casually answers as he puts down his cup of coffee on the table.

"He's a guy." I say in a low voice.

"I can see that." I blink and look at Papa Ed's nonchalant face. Does this mean that he's fine with me and Pete being together? There are a lot of questions running on my mind right now. Questions that I never really think about before.

"Papa Ed."

"Hmm?" He is back on drinking his coffee, as if he already knows that our conversation is yet to be over.

I'm not sure if it's even right to ask this kind of questions, but I trust Papa Ed.

"Do you think I'm gay because I'm surrounded by boys my whole life?"

Papa Ed put his free hand on the chair, palm side down and leaned on it, head looking up.

"You've grown up with women social workers, surrounded by both boys and girls at school." He explains, paused, tilt his head and look at me as if trying to read what is really in my mind.

After a few more seconds, he asks. "Do you find any other boys attractive other than Pete?"

"No." I automatically answered, I can't imagine being with other boys or girls the way I'm with Pete right now.

This unexplainable beating of my heart, the warm feeling I have whenever I'm with Pete, I don't think I will ever feel it with any other person.

"That answers your question." Huh, but I still don't feel at ease.

"Did I turn Pete gay?" I ask instead.

"By how I know Pete when he goes here and by your stories of him, I don't think you can make him into something he doesn't want to." Deep down I know that what Papa Ed said is true, but I can't help but still doubt.

"I'm scared but when I'm with him I don't feel scared and that thought makes me more scared, does that even make sense?" I finally say what I'm worried about the most and it makes me feel a little better inside.

"A lot of things people do and feels when they're in love doesn't make any sense most of the time."

In love? Am I already in love? Is this it?

"What if it doesn't last?" I put my feet up and curled myself into it, hugging my knees to my chest.

"We can't enjoy today by worrying about tomorrow." I look at Papa Ed, wanting him to explain more. "Don't look at me like that, I just heard it from somewhere." He chuckles before continuing, "Getting hurt, sad and disappointed is inevitable. The only difference you can make is how you react and handle it when that time comes."