Outcasts

Part II: Epilogue

Luce

What is this...? This feeling... this scent... Am I...? I'm dreaming... I feel it...

“I saw you with a guy.”

His eyes widen in realization.

“Oh. Oh! Ah, crap. Well, uh, I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but yeah I’m bisexual.”

“Oh! No I’m sorry! I thought you were gay!”

“What? No, no! Its not like that at all! How else would I be in love with you?”

I freeze absolutely stunned.

Seeming to realize what he has just said his face colours with recognition.

“Fuuuuuck! What is wrong with me! This is not how I wanted you to find out about this!”

I’ve never seen him so flustered. Its so different from his usual personality. Though, at the same time its nice. Which only makes this so much harder.

“Alex, its really sweet of you to say something like that. But… I just cant.”

“Why? Is it because of Seth? I assure you, that ship has sailed!”

I give a light chuckle, despite the pain and anguish I feel about what I’m saying.

“No. Its not that. I think… I think you should go back to Seth and apologize. Tell him you made a mistake.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I don’t feel the same way. Alex, I don’t love you.”

As soon as the words come out I feel as though something has died within me. I am on the verge of tears. I know I wont be able to hold them back if I see his face when my words register. So I leave.

I force myself to take long even strides as I walk away from him. And as I do the tears I have been fighting to hold back spilled over. I get in my car and leave as soon as I can. I leave him behind.

As soon as I am a little way away, I sob. I really sob.

I sob until I near the apartment. When I stop in front of it, I carefully wipe my eyes, fixed my make up, and make sure there is no evidence of the events that had just transpired. I get out, take a deep breathe and open the door.

And Nathan is there. Just like he always is.

“You were gone awhile. I though you left for good,” he says softly. It sounds almost playful.

“I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be here with you.”

He smiles at me. It isn’t much of a smile but it is the first in so long. And for a moment I feel almost whole again.

My eyes snap open to the bitter reality that is to me little more than a nightmare.

It's been three years since my life with Nathan ended. Three years since his death destroyed the last bit of my sanity.

He's not gone though. I see him everywhere. I see his hollow eyes every time I look in the mirror. The silvery grey of them in the clouded sky. His silhouette in the shadows. His gentle gaze in my dreams. The red of his hair in my blood. But what reminds me of him most, and brings the most pain with it, is Alex.

It's been three years since I came to live with him. The green of his hair has long since faded and the now ink black locks are as dark as mine or Nathan's. Well at least the side I haven't been dying red anyway.

He's not very different from me, I've noticed. Or what I used to be like. But he's stronger than me. I can see it in his eyes. Even at Seth's funeral, he was calm. But I know something changed in him that day when he found him, lying on floor of his apartment, the gun still in his hand as he bled out onto the carpet. He blames himself.

I was worried he'd suffer the same fate as I, but Alex is different. He lives and works harder for Seth, rather then just give up. He's always been a fighter. Since the day he was conceived. Fighting for himself and others was just in his nature. But I know even he is fragile inside. He has seen pain and suffering that he shouldn't have seen. And each piece breaks him a little more. He's not invulnerable as he wants me to believe. I think in his mind, if he can act strong than maybe he can convince me that I can move past my pain too. But he's wrong.

I will never be past Nathan's death. I can't and I won't. I loved- love him more than anything. Without him, everyday is a struggle. I have nothing to live for. I'm just living for the sake of living and it hurts so much. One day... One day I'll finally be reunited with him. That's what kept me going all these years. But it seems God, or whoever is in charge up there, has a cruel sense of humour, taking his time in taking my life and left me in the same situation as my deceased lover. It's torturous but what more can I do? Nothing except... Well I haven't tried that in a very long time. Alex saved me before, but can he save me again? I'm sick of all the blood, so why not choose the same fate as Nathan? Just swallow down the pills and go to sleep. It's the only way I can escape from the harsh reality, I know. But can I? Can I do it?

I've been contemplating it for a long time now but... Alex.

Something about him stops me. I see his weary face still smiling for me. His scarred arms that I've come to realise the meaning of. He used to cover those up rather cleverly before but now he doesn't make any effort to even try to hide them. I think he's come to terms that this is what he has done and that it is now in his past. It makes me wonder though, is he that different them from me or Nathan or even Seth? He's made attempts on his life before. I remember it clear as day. Always so much blood. He has a self destructive personality. Still can I be so selfish? To know this and still... Can I leave him behind the same way I was left by Nathan? Knowing the pain and disarray it would leave him in?

I guess only time will tell. Maybe I can hold off for today but... I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

But maybe, just maybe... seeing his smile struggling through the pain and tears can keep me going. Or maybe it might just be the last thing I see.