Outcasts

Part II: Chapter 13

Lucinda

It seemed that I'd finally get some sleep that night.

Yes, that's what I thought.

It isn't as if I have been sleeping well lately, so it doesn't seem odd to me when I awake in the middle of the night thanks to nightmare. Nathan is no longer pressed against me, and so I assume he just moved into some other position to sleep. However, I discover that am wrong as soon as I turn to look for him.

While he has indeed moved off of me, he is certainly awake. He is sitting upright, facing me. I can barely make out his face with the dim light coming from outside. His eyes, however, I can see perfectly. They are clouded with tears. I reach for him and ask him what is wrong, but he catches my wrist before can touch him.

"Sorry."

I shake my head and tell him it is okay. I’m not sure what he is apologising for, but it can surely wait till morning.

And then he kisses me.

I am surprised that he has the strength to do so. But I am mostly in shock thinking why now. It has been so long since he has kissed me. I melt into him immediately, however, feeling the familiarity of his lips against mine. He kisses me hard and with a passion I had thought was lost years ago and I can taste his tongue inside my mouth. I let a low moan escape from my throat.

I can feel his hands in my hair, as if he has forgotten what it felt like to run his fingers through it. Perhaps he has. But I never did. I can’t. I remember it all so clearly, because I swore to both of us that I'd never forget.

Eventually he pulls away, only to move to my neck. I can’t stop my moans. I silently wonder how far it would go.

Then I feel his hands sliding up my shirt. He pulls away briefly and looks at me as if asking permission.

“Yes.” I say.

Always yes.

And before long our clothes have been pulled off and we’re both naked. I gazes at me as if he’s never seen me this way before. But he has. For a moment, there is only the feeling of his hands on my body, the weight and pressure of his body against mine. I feel alive again, no longer too old for so few years. I feel myself as I was when we were different people. When I was his lover and not his protector.

It is over before I know it. He doesn't say anything to me. He merely drags himself up to the head of the bed, and goes to sleep. Before he does though, I think I hear him mumble something into the pillow, but I cant make it out.

I don't follow immediately. Instead I study him. He looks a lot like he used to, with his hair covering his face. I recall the last time he actually stayed with me for the night. It was years ago. Not since pain had changed him. But that is no longer in question since we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for the past three years.

I know that tonight is different. I know that this probably won't happen again. So, I take advantage of the moment. I slide my hand under his, and pretend –just for tonight– that we can travel back in time. I don't care if I’m idealizing the past. Tonight, I imagine that me loves me.

The first time was different. The first time had felt unreal. I remember it was just a day before my sixteenth birthday. He was already sixteen since he is three months older. Tears had fallen down my face for a brief moment, but I didn't ask him to stop. He apologized between kisses for the rest of the night. I begged him to go faster, even though it hurt. He had finished first, and I never quite made it. He seemed to feel guilty when we were done. He apologized multiple times, even though he was forgiven within seconds of his first apology.

He was my first.

Jacob wouldn't look me in the eye for the next few days, and he had a very heated discussion with Nathan about our actions. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the brightest idea to be doing such things with his brother in the next room.

That didn't stop it from happening again, though. We learned to time it properly, and Jacob rarely had to experience such nights again. (When he did, there were consequences.) We quickly discovered what felt good, and what didn't. There were nights that went by in an instant, and there were nights that would last forever.

There were nights that went by in silence, and nights where all of Edgwater could've heard us. There were nights where we would need each other more than anything else in the world, and there were nights where the two of us just wanted to go to sleep. There were good nights, there were great nights, and then there were the nights where he would make me feel like an angel.

Those nights were always dreamlike. In the morning, I would feel as if it had been too good to be real. The only thing left to convince me otherwise was him, because he would always be there when I woke up. On those nights, nothing else seemed to matter. On those nights, my heart would race while he told me anything and everything that I wanted to hear - he always meant every word of it. He would kiss me in places that no one else could, and touch me in ways that seemed impossible. On those nights, his name would be the only thing I said - Or screamed, whispered, sighed, and begged for. He never asked me to return the favour, but I did anyway. I always did.

Its funny how it feels so far away now. But that was before the accident. Before Jacob died. Before I became Nathan’s life line.