Outcasts

Part II: Chapter 12

Lucinda

Its been two weeks since we got back from The Golden State. Alex is officially out of the hospital.

Today is Jacobs birthday. I know fully well that Nathan will know the second he wakes up. And when he does he’s going to be in the worst shape. I get up and make morning preparations like always. I cook some plain rice, as well as rice pudding if I need it. As I finish up, I see him wheel himself into the kitchen. I has that haunted look in his eye that hurts so much for me to look at, so I tear my eyes away.

“Good morning.” I say.

He doesn’t answer. He just wheels himself to the table and stares at some invisible point in space.

I sigh. Its going to be a rough day.

I take the rice out in a small bowel like always and place it in front of him.

He doesn’t touch it.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” I ask, worried.

“I’m not hungry,” he says blankly.

I ask him a few more times before giving in.

It’s the same with lunch. I offer rice pudding but he doesn’t even think before refusing.

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"You have to eat something."

This is the third time I have told him that in the span of an hour. He isn't all there, but he is capable of processing my words, now. Again, he gives me the same answer.

"I'm not hungry."

I can't understand how that is possible. I’ve had three meals by now, and he has eaten nothing. Ever since he had grown into his teens, he had eaten a lot, as did Jacob. Both of them would finish their food before I had even made a dent, and then they would both sit quietly and wait for me to eat what I could. I rarely finished the whole plate. When I was done, I'd push it away from me, and the two of them would eat what I couldn't in a matter of minutes. Even after that, they could eat more if there was any left, though there hardly ever was.

And now, here he is with a full plate sitting in front of him, completely untouched.

"Please?"

It seems silly to say that. After a few more long minutes of both of us staring at a plate that will only grow colder, I try to force feed him. Before I can get too close, he grabs my arm and gives me a look that signals that I am doing something unacceptable. He will　not　be humiliated like that.

But, he must have realized how much it bothered me, because he finally listens. After I go back to my seat, he does eat, though it isn't much. What he doesn't finish, I try to eat. Most of it ends up going to waste.

After I wash the dishes and take care of leftovers, I wheel him into the main room. For a long time we sit awkwardly in silence. Well, its awkward for me. Nathan is too caught up in his own little world to notice. I hate when he’s like this.

Tired of the endless silence, I decide to get him to bed. At least sleep will calm his mind. After a few minutes of lying awake, he speaks.

"I should have died," he says, at last breaking the silence.

“What?”

“I should have died,” he repeats.

I don't reply to that. I only move closer to him until I can touch his arm so he won't feel quite so alone. He grabs my sleeve with all the force he can, but I pull my arm away for just a second before I pull myself closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I hold on to him as tight as I can without hurting him, and I feel him start to shake.

It hurts when he pushes me off. He puts his hand on my stomach and forces me away until I’m not touching him anymore, but his hand suddenly grips my shirt again and he draws closer until he collapses onto me. Curling almost into a fetal position, he rests on my chest and both of his hands tangle into the fabric of my clothes until I can’t get away even if I wanted to.

"Don't leave me."

I never will, but no matter how many times I tell him this he won't believe me, and he just repeats it again and again, until he is begging me not to leave, clinging to me so tightly as if I’ll slip away; Just like Jacob did.

I am begging him to listen to me and understand that I’m not going to abandon him, but neither of us ever gets through to the other, and we just repeated ourselves until the darkness finally seems to overcome him and he finally loses himself to sleep.

He sleeps that night.

I do not.

“NATHAN!”

I grab him before he falls.

“What are you doing? You will fall with me if you keep this up! Let me go!”

“No! I won’t”

“It’s useless! You aren’t strong enough to keep us both from falling!”

“I DON’T CARE!”

“Stop it! Lucia… please… I beg of you… let go of me.”

“Ah… hah ha. This is the first time you’ve called me by that name… To think, the first time since all those years you call me by that name is to tell me to let you go!”

“What about Alex? He cares for you! And I know you care for him. I pretended to be oblivious that whole time so you wouldn’t know how I felt. But in reality he deserve you more than I ever will. I have no place in your life. You don’t need me at all.”

“You never truly changed. You are cruel. Always making me believe something that wasn’t true. Always making me upset and cheering me up after. But now I guess you only know how to make me upset! Don’t you understand? My mother died. No one cared for me. My aunt hated me! When I saw you I thought we were the same! I wanted to make you happy even though I wasn’t! I smiled at everyone because I couldn’t make my smile genuine. But with you it came so easy. And that was when… I decided all I want is to make you smile. But you don’t smile. You don’t ever smile anymore! You don’t get it. I NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER UNDERSTAND! The only reason I thought I loved Alex was because you were so similar. I couldn’t make you happy and I couldn’t make him happy!”

“Lucia…”

Tears run down his face.

“All I know is how to make you cry… I make everyone cry.”

“I…”

“AH!”

“LUCIA!”

*CRASH!*

The nightmare. It’s different. Is this a sign? Is this my subconscious telling me something? Is this what will happen if I continue to follow his path like this? No. I refuse to believe such a thing. I love Nathan. More than anything. No God or higher power can change that! And as for being a burden… I would know if he felt that way!

Wouldn’t I?