Outcasts

Part II: Chapter 1

Lucinda

It's early in the morning. The first rays of the sun touch his face enhancing his pallor. His eyes are bloodshot, telling me he has been awake for a while now. He stares out that window so intently I used to wonder if the meaning of life was written on it. But I can also see the way his eyes are glazed over, indicating he is lost in his thoughts.

As the light creeps through the window, I can see him a bit more clearly. I can define the outline of his bare chest. Although he is still slim much of his muscle mass has been restored. He is no longer skeletal and his malnourishment has passed for the most part. It wasn't like he was particularly muscular in the first place, but now he almost looks like his old self. The Nathan I fell in love with.

He's still tall. Not lanky, just a little taller than average. Not taller than Alex. Of course Alex doesn't have much trouble maintaining a healthy weight for that height.

I look on him fondly. His hair is obscuring half his face like always and the sun has lit it scarlet. His soft grey eyes shown almost silver.

I think about leaving him to his thoughts but decide against it and instead go to him and place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"You're cold" I say.

"Yes"

I pull my arms around him, trying to share some warmth. I feel him tense for moment before relaxing with a sigh.

"How long have you been up?"

"A while"

"... I see"

"Can I do anything for you?"

He turns and gives me a look that says there's a million things I wish you could do but you can't.

Nathan

A thousand different selfish needs come to mind, but one speaks loud and clear

"Save me"

I banish the thought and think of something more generic.

"Water."

"Alright then." she pulls away to retrieve it.

As she leaves I sink back into my ocean of thoughts.

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot recently. What puzzles me most is that the memories are from after brother left. Some are pleasant some aren't. Some are fond and some I wish I couldn't recall. I close my eyes trying to sort them out. Today a particular memory is on the surface of my mind...

I let them hit me over and over. People have been beating me up a lot lately. I'm trash anyway why not be useful and act like someone's personal punching bag? Despite this outlook, I don't understand why, nor do I wish to know the reason. At the same time, I am also curious to see what will happen if I let it be, so I just stand silently and let them hit me. I feel a strange sensation. It's a little similar to the one I usually feel but it's obviously different. Is this... pain? The one I feel in my chest hurts a lot more than this. Should I stop them? Should I fight back? I don't even care. Huh? What is this red? I see a lot of red. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Its the same one I always see in my dream.

Mother...

Red - My least favourite colour.

This vile thing that tastes like metal...

This is what humans are made of...

How disgusting.

"Nathan?'

She's here. She's always here. Why?

Why does she care?

Lucinda

I hold the glass out to him, but he merely looks at it as if its a foreign object. No. He doesn't look at it. He looks through it. I sigh and put the glass on the sill. It is too early for this. I kiss him on the cheek and retreat to the room to get some sleep. I just need time to close my eyes and...

“Nathan!”

“…”

“What are you doing? Its dangerous over there!”

“Hey… You always think that you need me. But in reality it is I who need you. All this time I was selfish. When my brother- when Jacob died, I wanted you to stay with me. I didn‘t want to be alone. I love you. I pretended you loved me too. For so long. But in truth, I have been nothing but a burden. So many things you cannot do. Because of me. You could have anyone in the world. But instead you must stay with me. Ever since we met you were so kind. Too kind. You will never leave me alone. You will never let go of me. But I am a monster. And a monster cannot be allowed to live in this world. And that is why… I must free you of this prison I have confined you in!”

And he jumps.

“NATHAN!”

This nightmare. I keep seeing it. It has been recurring for some time now. Such a horrible nightmare. This is why I do not sleep. Will it never end?