subtle|skz

-twenty-one-

Felix's POV

"We don't have to Lix." ChangBin repeats for the tenth time while I stare down at my lap. I fiddle with my sweater paws, unsure as to how I should respond.

"We've kissed once. For all I care—we could kiss again right now and I'd be happy. Hell—I'm happy as long as you are. If you just want to lay in bed and cuddle—that works for me, too." ChangBin offers up a number of alternatives, but that's not what I want.

I want to have sex with him—I'm just not sure if I'll be good enough—especially not after overhearing him earlier. I didn't hear everything, but I know I won't be his first. He'll be mine, though.

I've heard sex is amazing. That it feels so good—but only after I adjust. I know it'll hurt at first. It'll be really uncomfortable—but I'm willing to do it for ChangBin. He means the world to me. Sex brings people closer. It helps reinforce bonds—right? Isn't it a good thing to have sex? Doesn't that help make relationships stronger?

"Lix? I don't like it when you don't say anything—what's going on in your head? Let me in so I can help." ChangBin hesitantly wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me toward him. He guides my head to his shoulder and rubs at my arm.

"Fuck me." The words come out with little to no emotion. It's almost as if I've become a robot set on one thing and only one thing—having sex with ChangBin.

I'd be lying if I said the others reaction earlier isn't what's pushing me over the edge. It really got to me. They all just assumed I was ready for sex—but I'm not. I hadn't even realized how close my hand was to ChangBin's groin. It was just an innocent touch—truthfully.

"Lix—I don't want you to feel like you have to. We can wait. Don't let the others get to you. It's going to hurt. I'm not small. As far as I know—you haven't done anything, either. It'll be really uncomfortable for you." ChangBin objects as he shakes his head. I never imagined anyone would turn down sex—especially not him after how hard I made him earlier without realizing it.

"I want to." My voice is soft and falters a bit. It's not a complete lie—I really do want to have sex with him—I just don't know if right now is the best time—then again is there ever a best time?

"Look—Lixie—let's make a deal—we'll start slow—kissing maybe some touching—the moment you feel uncomfortable tell me. I don't want you to force yourself through it if it's not something you truly want. I don't need to have sex with you. I'll be okay without it. I just like being around you. That's enough for me." ChangBin smooths my hair down. I pull away to meet his gaze and nod.

"Sit on my lap, Baby Chick." ChangBin smiles as he pulls me into his lap so I'm facing him.

My heart races as I press my palms against his broad chest. I swallow hard as he delicately takes my face in his hands. He tilts my head back and gently presses his lips to mine. His hands sit firmly on my hips as he squeezes softly.

My stomach fills with a swarm of butterflies as ChangBin's sweet and delicate kiss becomes a little hungrier. He doesn't take things much further than he started with, but it escalates enough for me to feel weak. If I was standing, I'd be on the ground by now. My legs wouldn't have been able to hold me up.

"How is it, Lixie? Hm?" ChangBin asks softly as he rests his forehead against mine. I close my eyes tightly and curl my fingers up around his shirt.

"Don't worry, Lixie. If it's too much I can stop." ChangBin whispers as he goes to pull back. I quickly snake my hand up to rest on the back of his neck so he can't move any further from me.

"More." I mumble as I force his lips back against mine. I don't know where the sudden confidence came from, but the moment he tried to back down for my sake—I just took control.