Luscious Man Series 1: Zaimon Luther Suarez

KABANATA 42

I don't want anyone to meddle with my mess. With my problem. It's my responsibility, not theirs. It's all on me, kahit na gusto ko na rin minsan sumuko.

Gusto ko ulit sumuko. Pero paano? Paano ko ulit sisimulang sumuko kung alam ako na lang ang inaasahan sa lahat ng ito? Paano ako susuko kung… alam kong masakit kapag iniwan ko sila. Paano ako susuko kung… kahit ako ay nasasaktan rin, isipin ko pa lang na iiyak na naman si Ate dahil sa gagawin ko, na iiwan ko ang mga pamangkin ko, iiwan ko ang mga kaibigan ko, iiwan ko… si Zaimon. At alam kong hindi na ako babalik.

Ayoko.

Ayoko ulit. Kaya mas pinipili kong magpakatatag kahit alam kong kaunti na lang ang nakakapitan ko.

"Do you have anything in mind?" Napabalik ako sa reyalidad nang magsalita si Vea at sumisimsim sa milk tea niya.

Ako naman ay pinaglalaruan ang pasta na in-order ko. Nakatulala at hindi naririnig ang kung anong sinasabi ng kaibigan ko.

"Uh… pardon me?" She scoffed and shook her head.

"Earth to my best friend!" She wagged her hand in front of me that made me roll my eyes.

"What?"

"Tinatanong kaya kita kung anong magandang gawin ngayon. I will be staying here for a week, oh. Tapos tulala ka naman diyan." Inirapan niya ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain ng in-order niya.

"I'm sorry, I'm spacing out. I was just thinking about something important." I smiled at her a bit.

"Sa isang linggong nandito ako, kailangan wala kang iisiping iba. Walang trabaho, walang problema, walang stress. Kailangan nating mag-unwind, 'di ba. Kahit minsan lang." Nagtaas-baba ang kilay niya.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Hindi ko na kasi naiisip magpahinga lalo na't marami akong problema. I can't rest now, I can't unwind, I can't chill. Because I need to work hard, I need to do my best, I need to do my responsibilities." She look deep into my eyes as I smile sadly at her.

"You can work and rest at the same time. You really worked hard for the past eight years, Dane. That's enough. You need to rest. You've been through a lot of struggles, you need to forget, forgive, and rest. You can't do everything in just a snap. You can't work hard without even resting, you might exhaust your self more. Look at you now. Your body isn't like that before. You are really forgetting about your health, even your mental health isn't healthy now. You're still into it. I thought you're moving on? Forgiving is a part of moving on stage too, Dane. So, why can't you still let it out? Don't blame your self anymore. You're far from being a criminal so why still blaming yourself for everything that happened?" Dahil sa sinabi ni Vea ay isa-isang bumagsak ang luha sa mga mata ko.

Hindi ko alam na masasaktan pa rin ako kapag may nag-open up ng nangyari noon. Ako lang ang nagbabalik no'n dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin makalimutan. Hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isipan ko na kung hindi dahil sa katangahan ko, sa padalos-dalos ko sa pagdedesisyon, sa lahat ng masamang nangyari, hindi mangyayari ang gano'n sa buhay namin — sa buhay nina Zaimon.

Because if I stayed out of their lives… I wouldn't be able to get to know them more. I wouldn't be able to be a reason why their lives were ruined. I wouldn't be the one to blame. Because if I didn't love Zaimon, I wouldn't be hurt like this. The pain is not this excruciating as I look back at our painful past. Because if my parents accept everything that had happened… I wouldn't lost everything in my life. I wouldn't lost myself. If they stay out of my problem, if they leave the Suarez Family alone, I wouldn't be that lost for years. I wouldn't blame myself and attempt su*cidal.

Pero tapos na lahat, e. Hindi ko na maibabalik lahat ng nasira. Hindi na namin maibabalik ang nakaraan. Kailangan na lang naming gawin, kailangan kong gawin, ay ang makalaya sa nakaraan. Because I was jailed in the past for years. Like a damn criminal.