Teachers Pet

62: Can You Say For Certain

        The courtroom may as well have been a big freezer. My hands had almost no feeling and they were so clammy. I tried to focus on warming them up under my thighs, but even they were ice. Occasionally I found the courage to look around, only to see if anyone else was as cold as I was. My lawyer kept nudging my arm beside me, telling me under his breath to stop fidgeting. An impossible task to ask of me right now. How could I possibly sit still under these circumstances?

       I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs until finally, after what felt like an eternity, the judge entered. We all rose and sat when told to. Only, I couldn't hear– not when the ringing in my ears was painfully blaring. I only saw lips moving with no sound. But I could hear my heartbeat and my uneven heavy breathing. No matter what I tried to do, nothing was helping to calm my nerves.

       My attention turned to a side door being opened. A group of people entered the jury box and was sworn in. I had no idea what they were thinking, but my mind started to betray me. They think I'm guilty. They won't side with me. They will fall for Nolan's charm. They won't see past his facade. I'm done. I'm through. The trial is over before it's even started. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't-

       As my lawyer stood to address the jury, I nearly threw up on his shoes. There he was. There he was. My lawyer's body had been blocking him from my sight this entire time. It had been easy to forget he was here when I couldn't see him. Now that Mr. Locke stood, I couldn't look away. Nolan hadn't changed one bit. There wasn't a hair out of place, no sign of bags under his eyes, no hint that he was worried about this trial.

       He wore a dark grey suit that was pressed at the seams. The universe was mocking me. We looked like a matching pair. I wanted to burn the dress I was wearing and spit in the ashes. When my lawyer sat down again, I nearly thanked him out loud. I tried to find a focal point here in the courtroom, but everywhere I looked I was met with curious eyes.

       The jury didn't look familiar. I don't recall any faces or any of the names. After today though, I think some of them I won't forget. There was an older woman in the back of the jury box that stared and stared at me. Sometimes her eyes narrowed, making me more anxious than I already was. Without a doubt, she was against me. She had to be. She had daggers for eyes that were aimed at me. I wanted the judge to dismiss her from the jury, to tell her to go home.

       "Get ready," I think I heard my lawyer whisper. I didn't look at my lawyer as he stood and spoke directly to the jury about a list that they all had. A list of names. The horrible ringing in my ears was still present and it kept me from paying attention. Black dots started to spot my vision, making it even harder to find a focal point. I was starting to regret going through with this entire thing, but I knew I had to. There was no backing out of this now.

       "Your Honor, I call my first witness, Deborah Tanner." My heart started to race. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen the doctor who helped not only me but my mother as well. Doctor Tanner had been the one to personally call me with updates on my mother. And she never ignored any of my late-night calls when I had questions about my mothers' surgery. I'd thanked her so many times, it never felt like it was enough though.

       I watched as a uniformed man left and came back from a side door with Doctor Tanner. She had the same short graying bob, the same kind features, the same weathered cheeks. The familiar white coat was traded for a beige pantsuit. Her eyes met mine for a quick moment. The small smile she offered me was all the greeting I would get until this was over. Whenever that was...

       Doctor Tanner was seated then sworn in. I couldn't stop myself from flinching when my lawyer got up quickly to approach her. She watched as he approached with confidence in each step he took. I envied that confidence.