Teachers Pet

68: Just Breathe

        I spent the remainder of the night at the foot of the table, pushing food around my plate and sipping on a glass of water. Everyone seemed to have been enjoying themselves. So much so that they never noticed when I winced at the mention of Nolan or the trial. They most definitely did not notice that even though my plate had little food on it, I hadn't taken a single bite. Tonight was for me, but it felt as if it were more for them.

       They could all breathe now. They could smile and laugh. The trial was over, I won. They could all move on with their lives. And while they all seemed to move forward, I felt stuck. The fog still loomed. It loomed now. Tears prickled at my eyes but never fell. Part of me hoped someone would just look at me and ask me what was wrong. Another part of me wished they didn't because they should already know something was wrong. All of this was wrong.

       Tick. Tick. Tick.

       Tears started to brim over. I wiped at my eyes quickly before I could draw attention to myself. No one even noticed. Tanya was laughing at some joke Dean had told her, Jill shaking her head at him while rolling her eyes. My mom was telling Jills' mother something exciting it seemed by the way she spoke with her hands. Jake was telling David about some issue he was having with his car, looking for advice on what could be the problem because he didn't know much about vehicles. I could hear the embarrassment in his voice as he tried to describe the noise his car was making when he drove.

       This whole time I'd been focused on their conversations, using them as an anchor almost. Something to hold me to now so I wouldn't drift away. Hearing them try to find something to talk about had been nearly unbearable. David asked if Jake had caught the game last night, but Jake didn't care about sports. Jake asked if David read, but books weren't really his thing. The both of them seemed to have relaxed a bit when Jake brought up the issue he was having with his car.

       Tick. Tick. Tick.

       The kitchen clock continued to taunt me. The ticking only blended in with the fog. Both were reminders of what a mess all of this truly was. Did no one else hear the ticking? Did it not scream at them the way it was screaming at me? I couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could throw the damned thing away. With each second that ticked by, the ticking seemed to only get louder. It was all I could hear now.

       Tick. Tick. Tick. TICK. TICK. TICK.

       More tears came, but I caught them in time before they could fall. I just wasn't able to stop the small broken sob that broke from my quivering lips. I bit down on my bottom lip as I looked around to see that not a single one of them even noticed. I closed my eyes, trying not to break. Holding myself together as the fog loomed closer felt impossible. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't sit here and pretend I was okay.

       I felt my body shake as breathing started to become difficult. I had to get out of the kitchen before someone noticed. I couldn't let them see me like this. Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe. BREATHE.

       My body almost locked up when a hand touched my left knee. I didn't dare look under the table, afraid to really draw attention to myself. But it was there, gently squeezing as my leg bounced uncontrollably. David continued to explain to Jake how the squealing coming from under Jake's hood sounded like there may be a problem with his belt and that he should definitely get it looked at. David didn't even look my way, no sign of acknowledgment whatsoever... But his hand kept squeezing.

       "Sounds expensive... " Jake mumbled. I didn't hear the rest of whatever he was saying. My focus was now on the hand resting on my knee. I felt David turn his hand over, palm up. I hesitated before placing my hand into his. He rubbed soothing circles with his thumb along my knuckles. He shifted in his seat a bit, making it seem as though he were resting his chin on his left hand, elbow on the table. But I could see how he was blocking everyone's view from seeing what I saw. He was breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth.