Teachers Pet

75: The What Ifs

        Ten or so minutes passed. David and I were still sitting at the end of the bed. His legs were still crossed and mine were still pulled up to my chest. My arms were wrapped around my legs as if they held me together. It probably was the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I wanted to speak, to say anything, but I didn't know how to start.

       I did feel safe talking to David. He was someone I trusted and opened up to about things I had never told anyone. Not even Jill. Things that I don't think she could bear to hear. I think it would break her heart to hear some of the truths that I've spared her from knowing. She had to live with the knowledge that Marcus was hurting my mother for so long. That had been a twelve-year burden she carried. I've made the decision to continue to spare her.

       I think that because I've told David so much, I tried to consider him a friend. I think I was pushing the boundaries of our relationship. I couldn't even really define what this was. Calling this a friendship didn't really sound appropriate. He was basically my bodyguard. He was a cop and I was a high school student. There was a line somewhere that shouldn't be crossed. I think we've already crossed a few though.

       I've been in his car, we've held hands, we've texted, he's held me while I cried... He's held my knee under my kitchen table during the dinner we had for my trial win. Yeah, I'm pretty sure a few lines have definitely been crossed. At this moment, I think I knew how I saw him or how I wanted to see him. I trusted him. He's never given me any reason not to. David was my friend. That's what we had, a friendship. And right now I really needed my friend.

       As I turned to look at him, I noticed how contemplative he looked. His eyes were focused on the wall in front of us. There wasn't anything on the wall for him to use as a focal point. But he just stared as if there were answers there for the questions I could clearly see he had. They were practically written out on his face. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I was a little scared to speak up right now. I had no idea if he was angry with me still.

       "Do you have a penny?" I asked. My voice was just a whisper. He blinked at me as if what I'd said had been in a different language. I shrunk back a bit. David blinked again, his eyelids fluttering away some thought he was stuck on.

       "What?" I cleared my throat before trying to speak again. I didn't have to repeat myself though because he started to reach into his pocket. I watched as he pulled out a handful of change, his movements slow. He was still clearly deep in thought. There were so many emotions coursing through him right now. Anger was the most obvious. Confusion definitely.

       David held his hand out and picked through nickels and dimes. When he found a penny, he stared at it for a moment before picking it up between his thumb and forefinger. He turned it around as if he were inspecting the quality of the copper. I noted his frown and how it deepened before he handed the penny to me.

       He didn't even look at me. He just held the coin out for me to grab. I swallowed hard before reaching for it. When I tried to take it he didn't let it go. His eyes were closed tight before taking the penny back. David shook his head as he clenched his hand in a fist, the penny in his hold.

       "I need to hear what your thinking first because if I say what's on my mind... " David took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. He shook his head again as if he couldn't find the right words to say to me right now. I didn't blame him. I kept my eyes on him as he handed me the penny again. This time, he let me take it.

       I twirled it between my fingers, feeling the ridges with my nails. The date on the face read last year. It was now the second week of January. So much time has passed. I had four months until my birthday and five months until the end of the school year. I somehow passed this first semester but it's only because I was doing well in the beginning. I passed with the lowest possible grade you could pass with. But now I was utterly failing everything. Everything except for Art that is.