Teachers Pet

65: The Initial Question

        I had expected the judge to call for a short break, but he never did. Mr. Locke had promised we would be given one at some point. I had been looking forward to it. I needed to step outside for a bit. I needed to feel the cold air on my skin. The room was a different cold, one I couldn't stomach any longer. It feels as if we have all been here for hours. Maybe we have, I couldn't be sure. There were no clocks on the wall and phones were not allowed.

        Perhaps not having a break was for the best. A break meant that this trial would be prolonged. Maybe the end was coming. At this point, I didn't care for the verdict. I just needed an escape. Let them determine that Nolan is innocent already so I can leave. I knew from the start that I was going to lose this case. I knew better and I still let myself get carried away with the idea of hope. I was so stupid to think I could win this. Stupid, stupid, stupid-

        "Sit still," Mr. Locke hissed at me. I didn't look up to know he was scowling. Sitting still was once again an impossible task to ask of me right now. I tried though, I really did. My knee bouncing uncontrollably was not on purpose. My hands trembling was not on purpose. My entire body rocking back and forth was not on purpose. I must look strung out, high off of something.

       I could see why people needed pills. I could see why they would need something to take the edge off. I never thought I could be someone who would fall into bad habits such as drugs, but I could see how easy it was to give in. The shame and grief and overwhelming sadness were so much to feel. Did pills or smoking or drinking numb those emotions? Did it take them away entirely? Would that be such a bad thing in the end?

       I could recall so easily how I felt that night at the Halloween party. Before Nolan had found me and carried me upstairs, I remembered what the alcohol did to me. Did for me. I had forgotten about Nolan. The alcohol allowed me to be swept away by the music. I felt light and graceful even though I was anything but. I knew getting drunk was wrong and irresponsible, but I hadn't cared. I want to not care anymore again.

        The sound of Nolan's lawyer clearing his throat startled me more than I wished it had. The serpent slithered up to the witness box. This time, it was David who was to be questioned. His testimony could help, but it didn't feel like anything could help now. Each statement felt like a shovel instead of a ladder. How much deeper could we dig ourselves down this hole? Where was the bottom?

       David eyed the man, surveying every inch of him. It was interesting to see the tall lanky man almost shrink back from David's stare. Did David make the man nervous? Nolan's lawyer took a step back, his mouth was set into a hard line. David blinked at the man once in a very slow motion. I'd like to think it was meant as a silent insult, but I'll never know. From the way Noalns lawyer squared his shoulders and subtly puffed out his chest, I think he took the gesture as an insult as well.

        The interaction happened so quickly, perhaps only a second went by. I wondered if anyone else had seen it all happen as I did. If they did, what did they make of it? Perhaps no one thought anything of it at all.

       "Officer Sandoval. You were one of the officers to question Miss Harper on what happened the day she and her mother were admitted into Saint Marys Hospital, correct?" David nodded, his entire frame relaxed. I wish I was as composed as he was. He didn't appear tense or unsure of himself. Not like me.

       "That's correct. My partner that day was Officer Rhodes. She was still new to everything, so I asked all the questions that needed to be asked." Officer Rhodes. I had a hard time remembering her face. When the questions David asked became more personal, the young female officer had stepped out. She had said that it might be easier to speak more freely if there were only one person in the room. She had been right about that. And speak freely I did.