Teachers Pet

39: Hell And Back

        I stared at my phone as it vibrated next to me. The screen was lighting up a small portion of my little room. I kept my hands under my pillow, trying to keep from answering his phone call. After a long moment, he was sent to voicemail. A few minutes went by before I received the notification of the message he'd left. The second notification I received was from my phone telling me my inbox was full. Every night he calls and every night he leaves a voicemail. I haven't heard any of them. I can't bring myself to delete them all, but I also won't let myself listen to them. Hearing his voice, letting myself melt into his words... I'd break for sure. I'd hear one word and call him. I'd tell him everything and tell him to meet me at the drive-in where'd I'd run into his arms and never let go.

       I have this picture in my head that I can't seem to get rid of. It paints itself when the night comes. My mind draws a perfect future where I graduate and go off to college in the city. It's an hours drive from here, but Jake doesn't mind. He comes to see me every weekend and we spend those two days together doing as much as we can. He takes me to a cafe that he saw online has five stars only for us to hate everything about it. I drag him to see a silent movie because I've always wanted to see one. I hate every second of it and want to leave but I say nothing because I see he's enjoying himself. At night we sneak up to the rooftop of my campus building where we just look out at the city. We complain about light pollution and count the few stars we see. And right before the sun rises, we kiss like there's no tomorrow. We say I love you before we say goodbye and then make our way inside. I watch him leave and remind myself that he'll be back when the weekend comes.

       My mind continues to paint further into this picture every night. I get as far as graduating college and that's where our future really begins. I get a degree in something I never really cared for but I know it'll pay off. I see us deciding that moving towards the city is best so there's no talk back home. The nervousness on his face when he asks if I want to find a place together makes my heart beat uncontrollably. I say yes without hesitation.

       "Blair?" I sat up, feeling my chest tighten. My mothers' voice tearing me back to reality made me gasp. My door creaked open as she peaked her head in. Light from the hallway poured in quickly. I could see her worry lines as she looked at me with a frown.

       "Is something wrong?" I cleared my throat when I heard the raspy words.

       "Why are you still up? It's almost four in the morning." I reached over to my nightstand to turn on my lamp. Was it really almost four in the morning? My eyes burned from exhaustion, but my mind kept me up. It's been like this for the past month. Every night is the same.

       "I can't sleep," I told her. She was in a thick robe with her hair up in a bun. The scar near her hairline was visible but I paid it no more attention than I'd already given it. I ran my hands through my hair, gently feeling my own scar from where I'd been given stitches. They'd shaved a small area and trimmed a bit around the shaved part. It was above my left ear, making it somewhat easier to hide what had happened to me. I wasn't able to wear my hair up or do anything special to it. Not that I wanted to, but the choice to do so would've been nice. I'd gone out to get the mail one morning and ran back inside when the wind blew my hair in my face. The embarrassment of being seen like this made my stomach turn. It made the thought of going back to school today unbearable.

       I don't know what to expect when I walk through those doors. If I go early, will that help to avoid everyone in the hall? But then that meant I had to face Jake alone in his class. If I go late I risk confrontations from people I know for a fact have it out for me. Maybe I could miss another month? I could drop out entirely and just go get my GED. Or would that send a bad message? Would it look like I'm running like the coward liar they think I am? I'd have to face everyone or I'd make things worse for myself.