The White Queen (S.Rogers)

Chapter 53

They stayed a while longer at the Marino's house. Kitty came in and encouraged the men to allow her to take Brooklyn away from the office, if only to put some food into her. Allowed. Ha, that was a joke. The comedown of her actions that night had finally left her. The despair had been draining. She couldn't really remember the last time she had taken an emotional hit like that, since Grant. The fear that she had finally crossed the line for Steve had been soothed. He had given her permission to do what needed to be done, to save herself and her little family. Which included him.

Mr. Marino had told her that Stelluto had crossed a line. By refusing to protect her, by threatening to hand her over to the head of the Russian mafia chapter of New York, the Don had violated the most important rule in the Italian mob. Family comes first. By taking her under his wing, by declaring her to be his family, Mr. Marino had extended that rule to protect her, as well. For once, her gender would be in her favor, as even the idea of handing over a female member of the family to another mafia was repugnant, even to the lowest members of the families. Since she fell under the umbrella of both family and associate, she was to be protected, not sacrificed.

The fact that her muddled brain, full of guilt and self hate, had immediately agreed with Stelluto, had been upsetting to Mr. Marino, who honestly saw her as family. He had spent the better part of the time since she had gotten out of the shower under Kitty's watchful eye, until the moment Steve had shown up, trying to convince her otherwise.

All she had wanted, the moment she had known Steve was in the room, was run to him, and hide in his arms. To let him take everything from her, and keep her from making another mistake. But she had been terrified, the fear taking a deep root inside her, twisting like a rotting tree, that the moment she looked at him, she would see the disgust and hatred in his face and eyes. That if she reached out to him, he would reject her. Or worse, pretend until they were alone, so he could rip her down. It helped cement the idea in her head that he would be far better off without her. Everyone would. She was good for only two things. Killing and dying. Three, if you also counted the only use her uterus was supposed to have, birthing children. And since she had limited the use of that organ, the only two uses of her remained. Since Steve would have no uses for her, in that fashion, he had no reason to keep her around. Despite the fact that he was hers, there was nothing really binding them. Especially since she had now let him down, and broken her rules.

She imagined he enjoyed the sex. But in the end, the reality was he could receive that from a thousand women, in New York alone. Most of whom would no doubt be better at it than her. Some who would be happy to let him ejaculate into them without the worry of pregnancy, unlike her. God knew, most of the women he would find would definitely not come from the tainted past that she had. Or have half the amount of emotional and mental baggage she came with.

But even as all of that entered her mind, knowing that he might not want to ever taint himself with her, ever again, she knew... she knew that she would do whatever it took to keep him. That's why she tried to impress on him that this was the best way. This was the only way she could think of, to free him from her poison. To free herself, as well, from the rotting in her soul, that no matter how hard she tried, the feeling kept coming back up to the surface. To protect her sister from the tainted life she would no doubt drag her into, as she got older. What did Brooklyn know, really, about raising a child outside of HYDRA? How soon would it be, before Juliana would wake up and realize that her older sister was a polluted sinner who had no right even thinking about taking care of an innocent?

In the midst of all her entreaties to Steve to let her do this, to free them of the toxic life she was leading him into, he kept begging her to not do it. Telling her how it was going to affect him, if she gave in, and went along with Stelluto's plan for her, that it would end him as well. That there was nothing else in this world that he wanted, except for her. That he didn't know he needed her, until he had found her. It was all so sweet, and it was tempting to listen to, to turn from the path she knew she was going to have to go down. But it would be so easy, to give in, to let him pull her from it.