A Queen Conflicted (Alys Book #3)

Chapter 25

The next two weeks following the celebration moved too quickly for the queen. She focused all her attention on the twins and Dastrehan, but the days went by too fast. With each passing day, the twins changed so much. Endolynn felt her heart tear into pieces when she thought about how much they would change, and how much she would miss, while she was away in Balear. The more she dwelled on such thoughts, the more and more she realized that she did not want to leave at all. The appeal of returning to Balear was less and less. Yes, she missed her brother and Rose. Yes, she missed her kingdom and High Cloud Palace. She missed her advisers and even Princess Elspeth. But giving up so much time with her children did not seem like a fair trade.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that splitting her time between the two kingdoms was not reasonable, nor fair, to herself or her family.
This first trip was unavoidable, but she had the power to make it so that future trips would not be necessary.
Had the words Dastrehan had spoken to her in desperation months before in Balear been more reasonable than she had thought?

"You have an out, Alys!" Dastrehan had yelled, "You have a brother willing to step in and take over, I do not! You are the one making these choices for us!"
Zaiden was already leading the country while she was gone, and he would take over for her one day. Was giving the throne to him sooner such a terrible idea?

He was young, but not much more than she herself was. He was no less able to take on the throne than she had been.

As appealing as the option seemed, she was conflicted. Giving up her people and kingdom after fighting so hard to get it back felt like an injustice, not only to herself, but Balear.
It was too big of a decision to make by herself. But speaking to Dastrehan was not an option. He would get his hopes up that she would stay in Tarkam full time. If she decided against it, he would be crushed.
No, she would have to wait to speak with Zaiden. To find out what he thought, and if he would be willing to take over Balear sooner than expected.

For now, she had to keep such ideas and possibilities to herself and tell no one. But keeping such secrets made it harder to enjoy her time with Dastrehan and the twins.

It felt no matter what she did, she was constantly in some form of inner torture.

***

All too soon, the day of Endolynn's departure arrived. Every bone in Endolynn's body protested as she kissed each twin goodbye, handed them to Esme and the wet nurse, and walked out to the courtyard with Dastrehan by her side.
Ezan was ready and waiting, holding the reigns of the wonderous bay gelding that Dastrehan had gifted her. The horse was tall and well-muscled, and even though they did not suspect they would run into trouble, he was heavily armored for their journey.

Behind Ezan, 20 men and women made up her armed guards that would ensure she made it safely to Balear, all standing beside their own mounts.
Dastrehan had not been happy when Endolynn had insisted that she would not tolerate traveling in a carriage. Riding by horseback, though not as comfortable, would get her to High Cloud Palace much faster, drastically cutting down her travel time. Especially considering none of her friends or family would be coming with her to keep her company, a longer carriage ride was out of the question. The only other person she would know more than just as trusted guards was Krea.
Endolynn had already said goodbye to her husband while they were still in the privacy of her chambers, but she turned to him once more and wrapped her arms behind his neck as he pulled her close.

"You will send a message as soon as you arrive?" Dastrehan asked her for the hundredth time, and Endolynn nodded eagerly.
"And you will keep Ezan by your side until you are returned to Zaiden's watch?"

"Yes."

She was purposeful in keeping annoyance out of her voice.
Dastrehan nodded slightly, as if trying to convince himself that she would be okay. He was not keeping the sadness out of his face very well, which tugged at Endolynn's breaking heart painfully.
The only thing keeping her from falling apart was the knowledge that she had to return to Balear to speak with her brother to see if he would accept the throne so she could always remain in Tarkam in the future. If he accepted, Endolynn would not have to leave Dastrehan or their children for long periods of time ever again.