Wild Baleigh love 2️⃣☑️

52. Going back home...

Tleigh's POV

It wasn't easy, it was still not okay and I think it will never be okay.

The fact that I was pretending.

At first I thought that it was okay, that I was okay, that I had healed from whatever tore me apart two years ago. But I was completely fooling myself.

And right now, as I'm thinking about it, I think I can't hold it together anymore. I feel so overwhelmed and the memories starts flooding my head and this time I don't shut them out as I always do, I let them flood and consume my every being.

A gut wrenching sob breaks from within me and I let myself be vulnerable for a moment there. My body vibrates with every sob that comes out and I don't know what is worse now, the wound under my rib that I keep opening to shut the emotional pain that had been turmoiling me in order to feel this physical pain or the the emotional wreck that keeps wounding me.

I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. I never wanted to be this vulnerable at all. I thought I had it together all along...

I was done with my second semester exams three days ago and now I've been just reporting to work but today I didn't have the energy. I just lied to Kendall that I had mad period cramps and I couldn't make it. I've never missed going to work because first, that's the only thing that takes my mind off many things, second, I earn enough to buy myself the necessities and lift my dad's burden of paying rent especially after I sucked his pockets off when I went travelling across Europe. Third, I like being an actress, so I like my job and lastly, it's the only thing that brings back glimpses of the Tleigh everyone knew.

I don't know how long I sit on the toilet lid bawling my eyes out but when I calm down, I try stretching but the pain under my rib shoots to my nerves making me wince as I try covering it up with a small sterile bandage after cleaning all the blood that oozed off the cut.

That wound was completely healed when I woke up from my comma two years ago. But I have been opening it up whenever I have a breakdown or when I feel numb. The longest time I've ever gone without touching it was three weeks. And I always try to cover it up and no one will ever notice it because it's so small and I doubt that it will ever be known that I'm the one who've been cutting myself.

When I saunter to my bedroom weakly, my phone which has been lying on the bed flashes, when I look at the screen, it's our director calling.

When I swipe down the notifications, I see four missed calls, one from my dad, I guess he's just checking on me and the the other is from Kendall, the other two missed calls are from our director.

I debate whether to pick it or just leave and I settle on the latter. I watch the call die down and another starts up and another but I watch all of them until they die down.

I don't know why I'm this mad at the world. I was okay yesterday. We had gone to some party downtown, I had watched Kendall flirt the whole time as I sat on a stool chatting with the bartender and I may have flirted but I kept it minimal, I didn't want to give the blonde guy hopes that I can hook up. Just the thought of being with a guy in that way, revolts me.

Later at night, Ras had picked us up but Kendall ended up going with him to his place. I think it felt lonelier when I called my best friends and didn't reach them both, they were already asleep and I was being so narcissistic because I didn't think about it before calling at 12:00 a.m.

Then my drunk self had gone to stalk my ex boyfriend on Instagram after promising myself that I wouldn't do it, two years of keeping myself together then just four shots of tequila made me such a nuisance.