(we're a) Fine Line {HS}

XXI - Foolish Lovers Actions

It's been hard.

So hard that I belive the only reason I'm still standing on my feet is the hope and eager I have in seeing him again, somewhere someday. Because I'm sure I will, it could never end just like this. He'll get away, he always does and he better do it for sure this time because I never smiled again since that day.

I'm back in my country and today was the first day of the last year in high school, so almost a month has passed... and it has been hard. Luckly, I don't really need to pretend nothing happend because the whole world seems to be aware of the situations. Only not my real feelings for him, and so they might think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. Maybe he didn't even liked me that much and is not that bothered about it as much as me. But I find that hard to believe. Why would he start a fire inside me if he doesn't want to warm himself on it, anyway? 

Still, I catch constant curious glances in my direction. It doesn't surprise me that they recognize me now, but do they wonder how I might be feeling about this? Maybe that's why they don't get to approach me, thankfully. It must be obvious in the way I look down, trying to hide my red tired eyes, that I struggle to even get out of bed every day. There's no point in doing it knowing that would do nothing in making him come back.

I've been feeling so different with myself. I'm the one to blame after all, and Harry's just innocently taking the consequences of our foolish lovers actions. And I still don't know what to do because I too feel in jail. My own jail I put myself in from the moment his pictures came across my eyes, right to cut my heart even more, when it was shown on the news. Of course it had to be on the news, because how would everybody know the world just stoped spinning, otherwise? It did for me, with the addition of getting out of orbit and on to float in the middle of the nothingness of space, lost and not knowing how to return.

Not even my mother. She, who used to always do anything for me even when I didn't want her to. I think she does understand that Harry never meant to harm me or whatever, but she still doesn't admit that I allowed myself to do such thing because the point of me going with Harry was just one and we went the other way as well, consciously or not, ending up with nothing at all. It's so bad to feel fragile and vulnerable and, for the first time since ever, not even being able to find my comfort in my own mother. It's too bad but that's how I feel, even though those may never be her intentions. I don't blame her about it because she doesn't know I feel this way about her, I haven't told her, I wouldn't do that to her. This, if she still actually cares at all.

In this moment, I'm alone in my bedroom. Just finished some crying as the song I showed Harry, weeks ago, saying it reminded me of him, suddenly came on and I didn't stop it from doing it's job. That night was all I could think about while I listened to it almost in full volume, laying in my bed and glacing at the night sky once in a while, when my eyes allowed me to, just in case he might be looking at it too, somehow. I still feel his lips on mine, if I put enough efort into it, and I never thought that would be something to hurt so much. 

What did we do? Will we be alright?