Finding Carla

Chapter 10 - Memories

Her

     I was still in shock as soon as Santi left.  The nerve of that guy to tell me he's bringing me home to my family.  All these years, it's just me and my mom.  When she passed away, I was alone.  I thought I won't be able to make it.  A part of me died at that time.  But I knew I was better than that.  My mom taught me to be tough and resilient.

      I was fortunate that I found true friends after that storm in my life. They helped me bounce back.  From then on, my friends became my family.  Then, out of nowhere, somebody is claiming that I have a family.  That I have a father who suddenly wanted me after all this time.  I am no saint to forgive what he did to my mom.  He can rot in hell for all I care.

      And another realization just hit me.... Santi is my cousin.  That arrogant prick has been lying to my face all this time.  I wondered if it was even part of his plan to play that country song so he could meet me that night.  He is a good liar.  And I hate him for betraying my trust.

     This is all too much information in one day.  I flipped over the pages of the report that Santi gave me.  In between the last pages of the document, I saw a picture of me and my mom taken just before my graduation in college.  It was taken by my friend Bea.  The private investigator probably reached out to her while digging my past and asked for that picture.

     I could remember, we were at the mall that day and just finished shopping for my dress that I was going to wear for my commencement ceremony.  We were all smiles and looked so happy.  I was hugging her from behind while she was comfortably sitting on the bench.  Her hand was holding my right hand.  I could still feel the warmth of her touch.

      Her eyes were glowing in the picture.  I just told her then that I was graduating Summa Cum Laude.  It was a surprise I kept from her for weeks.  She was very proud of me and wanted to buy me literally anything that day. I remembered getting flustered because she was very persistent in asking me what I wanted.  As if I was still a little girl and she wanted to shower me with gifts and presents.  I was her pride and joy.  And that was the last time I saw her so happy.

     Just a few days after that, she was taken away from me.  Like a thief in the night, she was suddenly gone.  I never got to wear the dress she bought me.  She never got to hear the speech I prepared for my graduation because I didn't even bother to attend.  What was the point?  There was nobody for me to dedicate all the achievement and hard work I did all those years.

     Now, looking at this picture again brought back all the bittersweet memories I had with my mom.  I suddenly felt angry and betrayed.  I couldn't grasp the idea that somebody invaded our privacy.  These memories are just between me and my mom.  Nobody has the right to dig in our past.  I started to hyperventilate.  I could feel my chest heaving.     

     I need to get out.  I need some air. I can't stay another minute in this enclosed space.  I put on my hoodie, sport capri pants and running shoes and stepped out hurriedly out of my apartment.  I ran as if somebody's chasing me.  I ran as fast as I could until I was out of breath.  I stopped.  I felt lost.

     I let my feet take over and they eventually brought me to Central Park, my safe zone.  This is where I usually go to drown all my sorrows away.  When I'm feeling down, I just sit down on my favorite bench and let the warm rays of the sun shine down on my face. I love people watching.  I get mesmerized by the different emotions emanating from each person that I encounter in this place.

     Some are happy just being here. Others may be going through a tough time like me, trying to make an escape.  I continued to sit quietly.  I am still in shock from what I learned this morning.  I scrolled down my phone and pressed Alecx's number, but it just kept ringing.  I saw Jill's number and called her instead.

     "Hey Sunshine! What's up?" There were beeps in the background.  I could tell she's in the grocery store doing some shopping.

     "Are you busy? Can I talk to you?"

     "Sure. I'm almost done checking out. Where are you?"

     "Here in Central Park."

     "Okay, I'll be there in a few.  Heading there right now. Your favorite bench in Central Park Mall?"

      I smiled upon hearing that. All of them know about my favorite bench. Jill said I already bought this bench.  I just get lucky that every time I come here, it's usually empty or somebody is about to leave so I can have it for myself.

     "Yes. Thanks Jill. I'll see you in a bit."

     I decided to walk first going all the way to the Bethesda fountain while waiting for her.  I'm hoping that my bench is still empty when I come back.  I just need someone to talk to.

     She came in no time, and I told her what happened this morning.  We decided to go for a walk while sipping the fresh coffee that she brought me.  Jill was silent all throughout; she let me talk and vent out.  It took some time before she broke her silence.

     "Can I say something?"  I nodded for her to go ahead. At this point, I don't want any advice. I just want somebody to listen to me.  That's all.  I already made up my mind that I would never go and see that man claiming to be my father.

     "You of all people know about my story, Carla.  I had a falling out with my dad after he banished me.  He couldn't accept the fact that her only daughter likes girls, too.  I was mad at him, and we haven't talked for years since I left.  You were the one who kept on urging me to patch things up with him, remember that?  So, it's ironic that...."

     "This is different, Jill. You've always known him. You told us he was a good dad until he learned about the truth."

     "There's no difference, Car.  He's still your father whether you like it or not.  He may have made a very bad choice when he left your mom, but he's trying to make it up to you now.  I also let my pride rule over me like what you're doing right now.  My dad tried multiple times to reach out to me, but I was too stubborn.  I harbored hate in my heart for a very long time.  I was miserable.

       "And then I just woke up one day.  What's the point of doing this?  Why am I punishing him, punishing myself?  Why am I fighting somebody who's humbly asking my forgiveness?  We're humans, Car.  We're not perfect.  We make mistakes.  We make bad choices.  And you need to find in your heart to forgive. It's acceptance, Car. You cannot run away from this.  He's your father and will always be."

       "I can't Jill.  Not now.  He hurt my mom, he hurt us." I felt tears welling in my eyes.  Jill looked at me and hugged me tight.  And then I lost it.  I sobbed uncontrollably in her arms.

       "Let it out, Car.  I'm right here."  Jill tried to comfort me the best way she could.  As soon as she heard me calm down, she led me to one of the nearby benches and we sat there quietly.  I laid my head on her shoulder.  I have all these mixed emotions circling inside me, pain, anger, sadness, confusion.  I felt drained and exhausted.

       She suddenly broke the silence.  "Do Alecx and Raine know?"  I shook my head.

       "Are you planning to tell them?  Try to talk to them, too.  I'm sure they will have wise words to say to you, especially Raine.  You know he has been through a lot more than me when it comes to relationship with his dad."

       "I really don't want to hear any advice right now.  I just want somebody to listen, that's all.  So, thanks for coming. Thanks for listening.  Thanks for being here.  I really mean it."

       "Anything for you.  I'll always be here for you.  You know that I love you, right?"  I smiled upon hearing that.  My head was still nestled on her shoulder while she kept her arm around my shoulder.

       "I know.  Love you back."  She let out a deep sigh.  We continued to sit in silence.  Even though this has been a rough day, somehow, Jill made it a little better.  I'm grateful to have a friend like her.

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20,526 words by the end of chapter 10!
Happy Weekend Everyone!!!