Caught In A Lie | A BTS Fanfic

CHAPTER 25

MINA

I was nothing, that’s how I felt. Last night had been amazing, I had experienced something that I never even imagined and this morning it had been reduced to one word; disgust.
I knew I was in the wrong, I had fucked up but right now I was feeling more humiliated now than when I had found out Leo was cheating. I felt cheap and stupid.
I had come back to my cabin and pretty much ran to my room to breathe. As soon as I had taken a few deep breaths I knew I had to leave. This would never work with Jimin, he would never want to be with me knowing that I had slept with Namjoon. Knowing that I hadn’t told him and he had slept with me too.
God, I felt so much shame just thinking about it. They were more than best friends, they were brothers, they were partners and if I was with Jimin, Joon would always be there to remind him that something had happened between us.
I started packing, throwing everything into my suitcase and grabbing everything I could think of. I was putting my passport in my pocket when I heard a knock on the door.
‘Mina, it’s Joon.’
I froze, I had to face him; I wasn’t a coward but I was so embarrassed. I looked at the door and then at my suitcase, then at the passport still in my hand. I couldn’t just run away again, how many times would that be my go to move?
‘Come in.’
The door opened slowly and he came in. His expression gave nothing away but his eyes flashed when he saw the suitcase and the fact that I was wearing my coat.
‘Running away?’
‘If I was going to do that then I wouldn’t have let you in.’
He nodded and walked over to the armchair to sit down, he gestured with his hand for me to do the same but I was feeling too anxious to sit so I leaned against the desk behind me.
‘Mina…I’m sorry for what Jimin said, I know that must have hurt you. You guys caught me off guard, I’ve known for a little bit that Jimin has feelings for you. In my head, I just thought that if you guys decided to do something about those feelings then it wouldn’t matter because we were just fucking. There were no feelings involved but the thing is…there are feelings involved.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I have feelings. For you. Somewhere in my head I had thought that maybe you felt the same but now that you don’t, it’s bothered me a lot more than I thought it would.’
‘Oh.’
‘You don’t…right?’
He was looking at me and he wasn’t looking away. I felt myself getting even more anxious, I hadn’t thought that this would happen. He had been an outlet for me during that time, I thought that it was the same for him and not once had we discussed anything more. Part of me was getting angry, if he had told me this beforehand then we could have talked it out and avoided this and part of me was disappointed in myself for not realising how he had been feeling. He wanted to hear certain words and he wasn’t going to hear them, I knew I was about to hurt him but I couldn’t lie.
‘Namjoon, I’ve really fallen hard for Jimin. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear but I have to tell you the truth. I can’t stop thinking about him, he made me realise that maybe all this time what I thought was love was actually just comfort.’ He didn’t say anything but just continued to gaze my way, ‘I’m going home. What Jimin said was right, we fucked up. There’s a line and I crossed it, I’m sorry that I did. I feel ashamed of myself. I don’t know what I mean to him but it’s probably not much after this. So…I’m going home. I’m sorry that I hurt you and please, tell him that I’m sorry too.’
‘You think removing yourself from this will make it better?’
‘No, the damage is done. I just don’t feel good about myself, I don’t like how Jimin must think of me and I definitely don’t like that I’ve hurt you too so you two move on with your lives and I’ll get on with mine. I’ve been here for too long anyways.’
‘Aren’t you hurt too?’
I knew the tears were coming then, I was hurt. Jimin’s words had hurt me, I felt like an idiot about this whole situation and I couldn’t see how to explain myself without sounding like I was full of excuses. How would Jimin move past this? He would think of us every time he saw Joon and as far as I know, they spending weeks on end with each other; how would that ever be okay? Who has the ability to overlook or move past something like that?
I gave myself a mental shake, I was basing so much on my own feelings- it’s not like I knew that Jimin felt the same and like I had been thinking earlier; even if he did feel that way, it’s not like he would now.