Caught In A Lie | A BTS Fanfic

CHAPTER 27

NAMJOON


Feelings could really fuck a person up.
Being the leader means that I have to sacrifice a lot of myself for the group but there were times I decided to be selfish. One of the major times was running away to the lodge and another is when I lied to Jimin because my pride had been hurt. I wasn’t proud of myself now but at the time, I had been embarrassed and spiteful.
When Mina had told me, in no uncertain terms, that Jimin was the one that she wanted and not me I had felt humiliated. I had put myself out there really thinking I had a chance and was turned down straight away.
She had been nice about it and she hadn’t lied but part of me wished that she had just said something else to make me feel better. Like I had lied to Jimin saying that she had wanted neither of us, I wish that is what she had said to me at the time.
When I had headed back to the opposite cabin that day, I had seen the impatience and hope on Jimin’s face and the spite had come over me like a cloud. The hurt on his face had pacified me for some time, at least I hadn’t been the only one left feeling pain.
As time went on though I had slowly realised that maybe I had been hoping for some kind of bond between Mina and I so that I could have been distracted from this life. She had come along at a time that I had needed something different, something like an escape but I had ended up putting all of my expectations on her because she had been the best kind of distraction and now I knew I had confused that with real deep feelings. I had felt something but it was more relief than it was an emotional connection.
Mina had never hidden anything from me and she hadn’t made any promises that she didn’t keep. If I had been vocal about how I had been feeling from the beginning then maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I did when I learned the truth. She had never told me much, this dawned on me in the aftermath of when I was feeling sorry for myself. Every time I had asked about what was going on in her life she had given me a basic explanation without telling me what was actually going on in her mind. I should have known that there no were no feelings there from that, if she had wanted me in her life she would have included me in it. All of this just made it more and more clear that I had been infatuated, not actually falling for her. I had made Jimin feel like shit to appease my pride because she had chosen him over me, I was a terrible friend and a worse brother.
As time had gone on though, it had gotten harder and harder to tell him the truth.
Coming back after the break had been hard on us because the company had set out so many punishments for us and then we had been thrown into work like never before. Throughout all of that though I had seen changes in Jimin; he seemed angry half of the time and listless the other half. I saw him be distracted by women with hair like Mina’s, I saw him walk away whenever the lodge was mentioned and I had realised my lie had caused a lot of damage. They had only known each other for weeks but months down the line, he was still thinking about her all of the time.
Sometimes I thought about what I had put Mina through too, if I had told Jimin the truth then maybe he would have followed her to London and they would have worked things out. I wondered how she had gotten through this time. Had she been following what we were doing, had she thought Jimin was doing fine without her because he was smiling in all the interviews we had done or maybe she hadn’t even paid attention to us; maybe we had hurt her too much.
I thought about looking for her but didn’t know where to start, I had googled her name with London as the location but none of the profiles were hers. When we had landed in London a day ago I had thought about looking for her again but we had a packed schedule, I didn’t know if I would be able to. Where would I have even have started, I knew nothing about her and telling security wasn’t an option because it would just open up a whole load of questions that, if we didn’t end up finding her and Jimin didn’t understand her, would be intrusive.
We were going to meet at the hotel bar in an hour or so but Jimin had said that he was going to stay in his room. It had become the norm since returning that mostly he would stay by himself, he’d always tell us he was fine but we all knew something hadn’t been right for a while and we all knew why.
I heard a knock at my door and opened it to see Hobi standing there looking excited.
‘Namjoonah, you’ll never believe who I just saw in the lobby downstairs!’
‘Did Jimin change his mind? He’s coming for drinks?’
‘No! I’m ninety-nine percent sure that I just saw Mina, you know, from the lodge!’
My heart started beating faster, if he was right I had a chance to go speak to her about Jimin and get rid of all this guilt hanging over me, I smiled at Hobi and we both started power walking towards the elevators. The ride down felt longer than it was and I was tapping my foot in impatience the whole way, Hobi had been talking nonstop about how Jimin would be so happy but I was only thinking about what I would say and how she would take it.
When the doors slid open we walked out and looked around, walking up and down the lobby trying to find her.
‘Hobah, where did you see her? Was she with anyone? Sitting somewhere?’
He told me that she had been alone and had been walking towards the bar. I thought that maybe the members had seen her walk in and she was with them now so we walked there and though some of the members were seated in the private area, Mina was nowhere to be found.