Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Everyone Has A Prize

June 2016, Oulu

I was in Niko's house from 7 am. I almost didn't even sleep again last night.

I'm so worried about the things that the doctor is gonna say. We have two hours to meet him and I just can't wait about all of this anymore. I want to know the truth. I want to find out what is for real happening with Johanna and if I'm gonna be able to break up with her.

I want to escape from this life that I have now. I want to concentrate on myself, on my band, on all the good things that are waiting for me that now I can't have.

Niko was able to come with me today but we all agreed that it would be better if I went with Kristy since she's the one that the doctor saw yesterday and if I went with someone else today he would get suspicious and maybe regret it and won't speak.

For some reason I really don't believe it anymore that Johanna really tried to kill herself and I think that she's faking everything but what I don't know is why. And I need all the proof. Everything that can prove that she's lying.

"I think that soon everything will come back to normal" Niko said while he was sipping his coffee.

And what we're all hoping. All this situation is pretty difficult and I'm sure that we're all tired. I usually don't sleep a lot at night's but now I'm causing to my friends to lose hours of their sleep to because I made the false decision when I got with Johanna.

"I have the same feeling" Kristy looked at me and smiled

Her smile put me in my comfort zone again. There are no moments that I feel uncomfortable when I'm with Kristy.
I can be free and myself with her and that makes me pretty happy.

Today I left early from my apartment first of all because I couldn't wait. Secondly because it would be better if I had someone to discuss about it and the main reason was that again I wanted to avoid Johanna. If we saw eachother we would again have another argument and that was the last thing I wanted today. Yesterday when she came back I acted like I was asleep and today she was in the deep sleep when I left.

We really don't talk anymore. It's like we are strangers who just share the same house and the same room.  There is no more love, at least not from my side. I just want to make sure that she's gonna be okay when we break up. I don't want to turn my back and don't care about anything that happens to her. I would never do this to anyone, whatever they had done to me.

"I think it's time to go"  when the time passed I got up and wore my jacket.

Kristy was getting ready since she wanted to have a morning shower

"I'm gonna be waiting outside for Kristy" I said to Niko and grabbed my keys and phone

I again had gotten the copies from the papers with me. Maybe we would need them, you never know.
I also stayed out waiting for Kristy without getting in the car. I wanted to breath some fresh. I had to prepare myself mentally for what I would hear in some time.

The doctor told us to meet him in a hotel in Kempele, that was almost  thirty minutes away from Niko's apartment.

I kept my head back and closed my eyes and kept taking deep breaths. In and out. Until I felt that I wasn't alone anymore.

"You really need some sleep" she softly shaked me and chuckled

For one more time she looked stunning.  She was wearing a black skirt, with high boots and a red top and she let her hair down.
Lately I've been checking the way she looks and the way she dresses and every time I end up looking like stupid while I'm admiring her. Most of time she noticed and told me about it and I always found an stupid excuse. She really has an amazing style and I enjoy watching every time that she comes up with another new and nice outfit.