Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

My Beautiful Girl

March 2021, Helsinki

The nurse helped me walk out of Kristy's room and after some seconds they were taking her out too.

That sheet covering her. It breaks my heart to look at her like this.
I can't believe that I will never see my Kristy again.

Half of me left this world today.
She was my whole world, my beautiful girl.
Now she will stop suffering from me.
She won't feel any pain up there.

She left me alone though, when we promised that we would be by eachother's side forever.
She left me alone and now I have to go through everything alone.

She took me out of the hell that I was in and now I'm thrown into a abyss that will keep sucking me in.

She didn't deserve this end.
She had so many things to live. We had to make so many memories.
Why did I have to destroy everything again?
But this time there's no turning back.
I lost her forever and I can't have her back.
Not until I die.

I won't hold her hand ever again.
I won't be able to look into her eyes and forget about all my problems.

The only way to see her and feel her close will be only from my dreams.

I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I want to beg her to come back but she's not coming home ever again.

I'm alone now.
Again.

I became so addicted to her that I knew that If one day we weren't together, I would break into million pieces but it wasn't our choice this time.

She was tired, of everything that I did.
Maybe she was scared that i would do something bad again that's why she decided to leave like this.
She knew that if she left me while being alive in the end we would end up together like we always did.

I will never find out why she left me.
She only squeezed my hand. She didn't manage to speak to me.
I will never get to hear her voice again.
Her good morning, her i love you that fixed my day as much as shitty that it was.
Her existence only was enough to make me smile.

Now I have nothing.
I will meet her again to paradise.
The place where she will find some peace finally.

But how I'm supposed to make it without my Kristy?
She was keeping me up everytime.
She was the one comforting me when I felt like nothing mattered anymore.
She was the one to make me think positively about the future but now?
I don't have anything to be happy about

When she was here I would be excited about the future because I knew that it would include her but now she's not in my life.
She's gone forever.

The nurse helped me walk away.
It felt like I didn't have my legs anymore, my body was numb, just like everything inside me.

My heart was bleeding though.
She is bleeding hardly, but it isn't enough to take me to Kristy.
My life has no meaning without her, she was the one giving meaning to it.

"Joel" I heard Aleksi's voice and I realized that I have to tell them what happened

"What is going on?" Niko immediately walked to me and he sounded so worried

The nurse helped me sit and then he left.
It's better like this.
I don't want others to be here when I tell them, especially to Niko

"Is she okay?" He looked at me and I shaked my head negatively
I had to stop my tears or else they won't understand what I'm about to tell them and I won't be able to repeat it

"Her heart stopped" I tried not to sob
"She left us Niko" I looked at him as tears filled his eyes

"Nice joke mate" he got up
"Now tell me how is she?" He doesn't want to believe it like I did but the reality is hard