Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

She Was My Best View

March 2022, Helsinki

One more day came and I managed to sleep for three hours.
Joonas did what he promised, he came to check on me but I didn't open on him.

I didn't want to listen to the same thing for a millionth time.
He would again tell me to go out, to leave my house.
Don't think about it and stop blaming myself and all those shit that I've been hearing for all those months now

I just want to stay at home by myself and all the trash that TV is showing.
Beers also are my new love and I've become one with my couch.

I really don't know how I manage to stay alive only with so many hours of sleep but a promise is keeping me up.
A promise that I gave to her that I will never forget.

I soon left  my bedroom and  I walked in the bathroom to wash my face.

When I wiped it with a towel then I was looking for a tie to put my hair in a bun that's when I found a bottle of perfume.

Her perfume.... I also remember that the same perfume was the first gift I ever got for her. It was her favourite one and when one finished she immediately rushed to get a new one.

Everytime I smelled it, I knew that she was close. I knew that she was there something that I've haven't felt for a while.

I'm won't feel her appearance in the same place with me anymore. And that hurts me but it can't go in any other way when I was the one to fuck up everything in our life.

I held the bottle and felt a pain in my heart. Just a perfume and it causes so many things. It brings so many memories. Memories that are gonna stay forever in my mind.

The first time I gave it to her. She was so excited and happy to get it.
She said it was a rare version and had looked for it for a while.

Everytime before we left our house, she was wearing it. Everytime I was looking at her getting ready, she didn't leave infront of the mirror before spraying some on her.

I put it back on it's place and wiped my tears away.
It's been a while since I last cried about her but when I thought that I had no tears left they again appeared on my cheeks.

I walked in the kitchen and made me a black coffee. I needed something like this now. I knew that I would have to face Joonas soon and I would need some mental strength to win again and don't walk out with him.

I got my mug and walked in the balcony.
Where we used to eat our breakfast almost every morning in the summer.
We always woke up in the same time and we made it together. We served everything and sat outside enjoying the view but the best view I had was next to me.

It was her, she was looking in the town, she was eating and I was just admiring her. She looked so beautiful, the way the sun was shining on her face and body.
I remember when we had hard days or arguments that either me or her made breakfast and had it in bed.

When we had an argument and it was my fault, the next morning she would have a big breakfast ready in our bed. Not later though the plates would end up broken in the floor because we would prefer to spend the morning under the covers having each other than having a breakfast.

The biggest argument we had kept us apart for 3 days. That was the longer we managed to stay away from each other. Only 3  days and now I haven't seen her for almost a whole year.
I destroyed everything and all happened in a matter of some minutes.

I inhaled the cold air and looked down in the road where I saw Aleksi's car pulling in our parking lot.

So today it was his turn? They had something like a program. Every day and a different person. Joonas And Niko were here almost every day though, unfortunately for me.

I walked back in and wore a shirt. Only thing I needed now was to catch a cold.

In a matter of minutes I heard the door bell
I sighed and got up. I knew that I couldn't avoid this

"Good morning" Aleksi stormed in with Joonas following behind him

"Morning" I mumbled and walked in the living room

I was already prepared for the things that would follow.

"Do you want a coffee?" I asked them and they both denied

"I think we should have it in a cafeteria" Aleksi offered but I just laughed it off

I got my mug and sat with them.
Everything is exactly the same as yesterday and my mind won't change this easy.

"Why didn't you open yesterday?" Joonas asked me

I just wasn't in a mood my friend. I didn't have the strength to face you again. To hear you say exactly the same things you said some hours ago trying to convince me to leave my house and go out. It won't happen and especially those days.

"I was sleeping" I said and took the last sip from my coffee

Of course I wanted to avoid him. Of course some times I prefer to stay away from them and spend all my time with myself but they were here when I needed them the most. In my hardest times all this year, they were here.
Helping me with everything that I needed.

I spend so many sleepless nights and they were there, staying awake with me. Keeping me company so I wouldn't feel alone. So I wouldn't have time to think about all the things that were driving me crazy

"Now you're not sleeping let's go out" Aleksi tried to make me sit up but I refused

"No" I'm sure that they knew my answer before they even came here "You should go in the studio but I'm fine here" I pat his shoulder

Right now was a time that I didn't need a company. A moment that I didn't need a friend to make me take my mind off

"Staying here is the worst for you Joel please" Joonas Said again and I could swear that I've heard this sentence for hundred times "it's been a whole year. You should get over it" 

I felt blood going to my brain, his last words were driving me insane.
He thinks that I picked this way? It's not easy. I really wish that I could get over it. That I could go out like the old days, but  this would only happen if she was here with me and after what I did.... She isn't

"You think it's easy to get over it?" I shouted on him "You think that I want to live like this? Everyday I miss her even more and I can't do nothing about it.... She left me here.... Alone" 

All the things she left behind. Remind me of her. Every single day when I wake up the first thing I think about it's Kristy and then what would have actually happened if I hadn't done all of this that night

All those thoughts making me insane. Leaving me with no sleep. Life has no meaning anymore

*Author's note

In the next chapter we're going back to 2016 yea but we needed to check his current life remember

Enjoy 🖤