Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Pictures

  March 2022, Helsinki

One more day almost passed and again I did nothing than stay inside. Listen to Joonas And Aleksi who were trying to make me go out, then make  them leave and stay alone to overthinking everything for a millionth time.

It's a habit, that's what happening everyday all those days.

Now it was already dark outside and obviously someone would show up again to try to change my mind. They knew how stubborn I am but they still kept trying, unfortunately for them they didn't make anything though.

I was sitting in bed and Niko was sitting in the chair that was infront of the desk and opposite my bed.

I'm glad to have all of them in my life that remain by my side but I just want to be left alone in my apartment. Especially those days. I don't want to see anymore. The only person I wish I could see is her but this unfortunately won't happen.

I was scrolling through pictures of her in my phone maybe it's like I want myself to suffer with the things that I'm doing, maybe I should try not to think about her this much as my parents said once but I will never stop this.

Wherever she is she will be forever the only woman that I truly loved. The only woman that made me feel like I was enough, that I deserved some love. I will care for her always even if I don't think that I'm gonna see her soon.

She was perfect to me, and she treated me the best way. She was there in my darkest times. She was my muse, my worst distraction and she's the thing that I'm most grateful that I got in my life

I wrote songs about her, we wrote songs together, one of the special thing I could do that will keep her in my memory after what I caused.
I destroyed us and because I was an idiot.

We went so far together. We went through so much and that's how we're ending up. Life is unfair.
When we first met I really made the question what would I do if our roads split up in the future and now that this happened I don't even know how I should collect my broken pieces

"Why don't you come in my house for some days? Everything reminds her here, the room is full of her pics" Niko suddenly said and made me move back trying to realize what he said.

I was focused on a picture for more than five minutes and my mind was really in another world.

I won't accept his offer though. I want to stay here where everything is reminding me her. I want to be with myself and the memories that we created in the rooms of this house.

Every time I lay in bed and try to sleep it's like I can feel her there with me. It's like she's here but when I turn around to look at her she's nowhere to be seen and that hurts more than anything.

"I don't want to get over her Niko" I sighed and my best friend came to sit next to me

"Remember this one?" I showed him the picture where I was stuck before

When we took that pic we were the happiest persons alive. But everything changed in the worst way.

"I was the one that took it" I nodded and caressed my screen

It was like I could caress her while I was doing it. This photo reminding me why it hurts even more that we're not together

She was wearing a blue dress and she was holding her belly while I was on my knees and I was giving a kiss on her belly. It breaks me to see this now.
How stupid I was.
How could I do this to her? To us?
She didn't deserve the way things end up. We both didn't deserve it.

We should have been living a happy life now, but here I am, especially those last days  crying over some pics that hide such deep meanings and memories.

"I know it's hard but please stop doing this to yourself Joel" Niko took my phone away from my hands

I didn't try to get it back, I wasn't in the mood for an argument or for his games.
I would prefer to try to sleep even if I would end up thinking about Kristy the whole night

Not long after I won again. Niko left and I was left alone in my empty apartment.
I knew that tomorrow one of them would be here again but I couldn't care less.

I laid in bed and looked up. Always the same habit, staring at the ceiling in the dark and always ending up with this same old empty feeling in my heart.

I can't believe that I made it for almost a whole year without seeing her once. I always feel like she's still in my house, or like the door will open and she's gonna walk in smiling.

She's gonna walk to me and hug me or kiss me and we're gonna spend the best time we can together.

It's killing me inside that I know that those things will never happen again after what I caused.
I was an huge idiot, so dumb Joel so dumb

I was about to close my phone and move in the other side of the bed but it started ringing.

Who remembered me now? It's already eleven

I wish I never looked in the screen

"Mom, hi" I mumbled

The last thing I needed now was a chat with my mom. For real

"Joel it's been a long time. How are you doing?"

What is she expecting me to say now? That I'm really fine and doing good when I'm in the worst state that I could be?

"I'm Okay" that's all I said

I don't want her to worry but I also can't lie about how I am and how I'm feeling and even if I lied she would for sure understand it and ask me till I said how I really was.

My parents have been there for me the first month's. When almost three months passed they had to go back to Oulu. They really were checking on me and that makes them good parents but the things they wanted me to do weren't easy.

They offered me to move with them back in Oulu. They kept saying that I should forget about Kristy and that I should start a new and happy life.
Nothing of this will ever happened though.
Even if I dissapoint them, those are my decisions

And it didn't take a while till she started talking about everything that I said before so I wished her a good night and hang up the call immediately. I didn't have the power to have this chat with my mom now.

Why everything had to turn out so bad?
I never did anything bad. I never hurt anyone..... Not until that day but we deserved a happy ending and good life.
Why me? Why us?

*Author's note

One more check on how's Joel doing and well I don't think he's really good.....

Also the pic.... Um yea
You're gonna find out in the future

And btw I love it sooo when I add lyrics from songs in my chapters....

Enjoy 🖤