Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

She's A Part Of Me

  December 2017, Helsinki 

"Six months?" I shouted shocked and also with anger

It is the twenty day of December and also five days before Christmas, but the most important. One month since Kristy finished her studies.

All those months went by really slow even if I expected time to move by fast.
I managed to visit her one more time in the end of August and then she came in Finland for some days in October just for my birthday.

We spent everyday talking on the phone and most of time telling how much we miss each other. I thought that I would be able to handle being away from her for four more months but it wasn't easy.

Every day was getting more difficult to get by without her. Every night I got less sleep which drove me again to take some pills or drinking beers to calm my nerves so I could fall asleep because I was way too drunk.
I tried multiple times Kristy's methods but they didn't help. Tea and deep breaths were doing nothing on my nerves and system anymore. I just needed  her to be with me but it was impossible.

Especially the first nights after going back to Helsinki after staying for some days or weeks with her in Haarlem.

Her studies were good and she was doing amazing in her lessons but I've never wanted something to end this bad. I just wanted those lessons to finally come to an end so she could be satisfied because one of her dreams came true but also me feel happy because I will finally be able to have her close to me again.

But today my dream got destroy like a castle built of sand in the beach after a big wave hit it.

"I told you twice Joel" Kristy was also talking in an annoyed tone "I will attend the studies for six more months so I can get a proper diploma"

She wants to stay in Haarlem for six more months. She says she needs those studies so she can get those papers that can allow her to teach music to kids as she had been saying for months.

I always knew that she wanted to teach music to younger people but she never told me that she would need to stay there for half a year more.

We only chatted about it one month ago when I thought that she was joking and didn't take it seriously and she never asked me again, which is the thing that annoys me the most. She just informed me today about it. She didn't talk about it again, she just came to tell me that she will stay there for six whole months.

"Aleksi said that it's a good opportunity" she said sounding calm now but I definitely won't give up

I won't be able to handle everything alone for six more months.

"Of course Aleksi" i said ironically and rolled my eyes on her

Just a month ago he decided to stay in Netherlands and the University for six more months and now she comes here telling me all of this.
All this time that she had been there she got so close with Aleksi that I also believe that if it wasn't him she probably wouldn't even think about staying more.

He got an affect in her in some way and this hurts me the most. She discussed about it with Aleksi but not with me.

"Are you cheating?" I looked at her and asked

I feel like the worst person because of the question that I made but I'll lie if I say that this thought didn't pass my mind. Her behavior never changed towards me and she is like she used to be.

She will think that I lost my trust on her.
I did not and if someone told me that she cheated I wouldn't believe them but everything passed through my mind and I'm scared of what I'm gonna hear.