Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

You Remind Me Of Him

  March 2019, Helsinki

Kristy's pov

I looked at the closed door and wiped my tears.
I've been sitting in the floor, crying for so long.

I got up and walked in the living room where my phone was.

I knew that he wouldn't pick up my calls but i would still try.

He left and he did it because he believes that I'm cheating.
I can't blame him though, after all of this who wouldn't think that?

I lied to him and that was my mistake but cheat on him?

I would never hurt Joel this way and cheating on him means that i will lose him and losing Joel will destroy me.

He gives a good meaning to my life and I'm the most lucky woman in the whole world to have someone like him.

There are times that he thinks that one day i will just leave because i can't keep up with him or his behavior and he has admitted that to me.

It hurt to know that he thought like this.
I would never leave him.

We both promised that we will be next to each other for as long as we live.
He taught me how is it to be in real love.
He showed me how nice it is and feels to be taken care of.

We have fun together and I'm always there to comfort him in whatever bad that happens and seeing that he is afraid that i may leave him is sad and i can't do anything because that's how his mind works.

But now, I'm the one that fucked up everything.
It's my fault but i did everything for our good.

I would never want anything bad for him but now I'm losing him again.

I wished that it would be easy to tell him the truth, at first when i found out i thought about telling him immediately but he's already so stressed and worried and this would just turn his world upside down again.

Now he's not home because I'm not telling him.

No he's not wrong. I would also do the same.
If he lied and then i saw him with a random woman, of course the thing that would come into my mind was cheating and seeing how hurt he was broke my heart.

I always hated to see him sad but this time it was even worse.
It felt like he didn't have any hope on me.
That the only thing he believes is that I'm cheating.
Would he even believe me if i told him the truth or would he say that I'm just trying to cover up everything ?

I called him multiple times but i just received a text from him

"Only when you're ready to tell me i will answer, and i know that you're not"

If i told him he would get so worried and I'm sure that he will mostly be for me and thinking that he will lose his sleep and the good rythym at work that he had gained because of me is the worst for me.

Where is he now though?
What if he went at Joonas's?
Would he just go in the next apartment?
I don't believe that he would but i will check.
I'm not losing anything if i check, not like i have anything else to lose.

I went in the bathroom.
And washed my face, so i can seem as an normal person that hadn't been crying for the previous hours and went infront of Joonas's door.

I tried not to seem suspicious and i just said that i went to see him because it's been a while since we met.
I didn't want to ask about Joel because if he wasn't there, Joonas would ask about everything and I'm not in the right mood or place to explain anything.

And as i thought Joonas was alone.
Of course Joel knew that this was the first place that i would look for him.

But i needed someone to talk.
I needed an advice and there is only one person that always manages to help me for everything.