IN ANOTHER LIFE , josie saltzman ✔️

57. 'Til the Day I Die

Restored to my once powerful self by drinking blood and eating a hearty meal, I let everyone convince me to accompany me. I was certain they all thought me mad now. All the times I have before tried freeing myself of my magic, I have failed. This time, now knowing exactly what I am and how I have come to be, I will not. I can't.
Before the stakes were high, but this time it didn't feel quite as high, like this was just some vampire or a pack of wolves. Like this wasn't the son of an actual god, a celestial being that gave revilas their magic. Cassius dying changed everything.
I didn't stop to ask myself why as we walked through the woods to the castle of the fae's homeland Polarae, what revilas believed to be an icy wasteland was instead a hidden glamour that forbade revilas to set their eyes on the treasures the faes build for themselves.
Cassius wanted my magic, he could have it. If he could beat me. If he could not, then that magic shall be returned to revilar lupus, the creation of Rose who sought to make revilas powers better and accessible for everyone and stable. An endless sphere of cyan colored magic in a transparent box, with four pipes connected to the box and the biggest lakes of grace to be found in each of the landings. Polarae siphoned their magic from the air and the ground. Faes siphoned their magic differently, no one ever told anyone how and why.
Coming and moving, I now realized, to Meridial was a mistake. None of what happened would have if it weren't for me. But this wasn't the time to be pitiful and sad and angry.
When we were finally alone, Rose told me she knew of Cassius' plans and it is what had prompted her to take such risky steps in the first place and now that I knew, she woke up and that was when I told of her of my plans. She had agreed reluctantly to my plans but believed it would be better for me, seeing as how I was filling a void left by my parents and my family in Mystic Falls coming to Meridial.
    But I was going to remedy everything.
    Which, sadly, meant much more than giving up my revilas magic. I felt as though it was a kind of goodbye.
    An end to something.
    Maybe I could not have it all.
    „Amaya." Raven said and I turned my head to look at her as we kept walking behind Astoria and Sophia.
    „Raven." I said and tried to smile. But it felt wrong and I quickly let it fade away.
    „Are you sure you want this?" She asked and I exhaled a long sigh.
    I had been sure for so very long now, but every time I was asked if I was sure to be doing this, I felt myself doubt my capabilities to see it all through. I wanted to be done with the revilas culture for so long now. I wanted nothing more than to be everything my little sister was. I wanted to be free of revilas abilities, no matter how much I seemed to be relying on them time and time again. I wanted to be rid of what I believed to be the cause of my suffering - revilas nature. Soul and everything else that accompanied it. The ability to time travel, to summon magics that often simply caused me too much pain than freedom. Something else hit me then, a realization that shook me to my very core. Maybe I could not blame it on revilas nature but simply on myself, I had forgotten what it means to be a vampire, a werewolf, a witch. Everything my father gave me. I had never blamed anyone but myself and my mother for all that happened to me, all that I had allowed to happen to me.
    I had no one to blame for all that happened but me. I was the author of everything I was. And no amount of no longer possessing a revilas soul and magic would fix that. It was then that I realized what I had done. How I affected not only my sister's life but Josie's and Lizzie's and the lives of everyone I've come to love here on Alpha. And maybe, yes, maybe, some things could've been hindered by my mother telling me of what she had done but that, too, has passed and done. I could not change the past and I did not want to. It guided me and showed me so much.
    I was and always would be the author of everything I was and the choices and the aftermath of those on the people in my life.
    I looked around now as John helped Raven over a big log in the wet mud we were all treading about. I looked at Henry as he stepped over a puddle without so much as looking up from his map in his hands even though Sophia and Astoria knew very well where they were leading us. I looked at James as he settled his eyes on all the things he'd never seen before. I looked at Rose, seemingly lost in thought as she trudged behind Raven and John, occasionally looking at James' innocence in wonder. I turned and looked ahead at Sophia and Astoria, laughing and talking with one another as they lead us over a hanging bridge that helped us over a massive gap between the landings, divided by a beautifully glistening river a long way underneath us.
    I looked down at myself and particularly my hands as I summoned magic now for the first time since I woke up three days ago.
    Raven who'd returned to walking by my side was looking at me with wide eyes, but did not say a word.
    I summoned a small globe of golden magic and let it turn and twist into different shapes as I continued to follow the Chamberlain siblings. I played with the magic in my hands for over an hour as we walked before I let it flow not back into my body to my soul but let it dissolve in the air to return to lupus.
    Exhaling a long sigh, I felt Raven's hand slip into mine as we finally looked ahead to the castle, where Astoria should reside in. Most of the time, though, they spent their time with Sophia in Meridial or elsewhere. It was as they said, faes could provide for themselves, they actually really did not need a leader to guide them.
    Astoria showed us our rooms and it was clear from the very start, no one would need a single room to themselves. Raven offered to stay with me which I accepted, doubting my own capabilities to be alone for a single night. Henry and James, who've become very close would be staying in the same room. Rose and Sophia would also be staying in one room as well as John and Astoria, for no other reasons than to be not alone as well as be prepared in case anyone actually followed us or knew we were here or in the very worst case that Cassius could have awakened too along with me. But Astoria had assured us that he was still asleep and far away form any access to magic that was not his own.
    That night, to calm my nerves and to distract myself at first, I asked Raven what had all happened in the months I had been gone. She told me that James and Henry became officially a couple after sneaking off together for weeks on end before I had been tricked into a long sleep, there were no other words for what Cassius and I had done to one another that day. I was confident that I was the first to enter his mind, that I had total control until he revealed to me that it was all a trick, all to make me believe in myself that I could've taken him and won, that he had taken over my mind for a while now and it was this that he needed to create some sort of link to put us both to sleep to share that courtyard dream with the dark promise. That evening at dinner, I thought only about that gate that could've taken me back to my old life. I had plagued myself with questions of what if until Raven had taken me to our room and sat me down on the bed.
    I asked her more of what had happened and she was so eager to tell me everything, anything it seemed to just not go to sleep and be in each other's presence. She told me of the visions Astoria had been plagued with and the discoveries Sophia made all while trying to get me to wake up. She told me of Thomas, the revilas elder who had broken the various links I was also involved in. She told me that he teased her of a person long since forgotten and forgiven for, a shadow in a bright light that Raven now seemed to emit. She told me she was happy, truly happy, but even happier now that I was back, that I had missed so much. That night, in the warm embrace of the candles lit in the dark underneath the full moon, Raven had told me she loved me and while I couldn't say it back, not because it wasn't true but because I could not put the love I had for her in words, I asked her to let me show her the love I had for her to which she smiled and nodded and told me yes. So, that night Raven and I made love and it was the first thing I did that since I woke up, that made me feel human and when I thought of it when I got ready for the adventures Sophia would take us the next morning, I felt silly that it was sex that made me feel human.
    „Raven?" I hoped my voice was loud enough to travel to the adjoining bathroom but that fear was gone when she came out of the room with wet golden hair in a pair of black jeans, socks, a green sweatshirt and a white blouse underneath it.
    She hummed and raised her eyebrows at me, as to tell me to go on.
    „I am sure about this." I told her but she only furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side.
    „About making my revilas magic, my very soul disappear," I told her and she nodded and stood up straight, „I am sure about this." A gnawing feeling still ripped through my upper body.
    „I, um," I stammered and regained my composure by sitting down infront of the vanity, „I hope you don't feel differently about me." I whispered.
    Raven stopped drying her hair and walked over to me, put her hands on my shoulders and leaned down and forward so that her face was almost next to mine, resting on my shoulder.
    „I love you." She said which made me smile.
    „I would never want you to hide and make yourself someone you're not to fit other's expectations of you. You've wanted this one way or another for as long as you've been alive. I will always love you. I will love you whether you're a revilas, or a vampire or a werwolf or all of the above. You could be human if you wanted and I would stay with you and love you as long as you'll have me." She pressed a kiss on my cheek and rested her chin still on my shoulder and closed her eyes now and we stayed like that for another moment. We could've stayed like that for an eternity and not get tired of one another, I knew that.
    But I had to say something.
    „There's something else." I whispered and she met my eyes in the mirror again.
    „I think I want to go back. Back to the school. Back to Hope, now even more since she is a vampire without her humanity. I want to go back to Lizzie and MG and Kaleb-"
    She cut me off and stood up straight, „And to Josie." She whispered.
    But I found myself shaking my head.
    „Josie's gone." I whispered and tried to meet her gaze but she was focused on something else on me in the mirror. It was the necklace of my mother that someone had put on me while I was sleeping. The green and blue stones complimented each other while not being too much as they were much smaller now, barely pebbles.
    „I have to ask you something and I would like an answer if that is okay for you." She told me and I turned around to her, looking up to her as she paced from one side to the other until she stood very still before me.
    I nodded and she sighed, dropping to her knees and taking my hands carefully into her own.
    „If you and I had not become what we are now, do you think that you would've gone back and fought to be with her?"
    I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. „By the time we got together, Josie and I were long over." It wasn't the answer she was looking for and it wasn't the answer she deserved. I would always love Josie and I would always want to be with her and it was exactly what Raven wanted to hear but I could not, would not do her that favor, not after last night, not after what was before us. It wasn't fair but when it came to Josie, my former other half, I would always want to go back and be with her, but that would be simple. It would be easier than admitting that I was struggling here, that I was simply not welcomed enough here and when I was no longer a revilas, it would be only a matter of time before I was driven away. Not by those that are here with me, but those who were afraid of me simply because I was also a vampire. They were mostly okay with me being an earthwalker werwolf and witch, but they could not and would not accept me as a vampire.
    So, I told her, „Maybe."
    „But Josie and I were over before I began to fall for you, and now she is gone. She is gone and she is not coming back. And I will love her always but Josie Saltzman and I are over. And I am here with you."
    „For now." She whispered after having turned away from me. I got to my feet and reached out for her hand but she already turned back to me.
    „How long before you return to Earth and stay there after having that race with Cassius? How long until you leave and we will be a memory once more?" There were tears glistening in her eyes.
    „Raven." I whispered but she went on undeterred.
    „How long until Cassius will be five feet under the earth and you decide you want to leave because there's nothing here for you? How long until you start to rant on about your family even though none of them have asked once for you?" She was not sad. Those were tears of anger.
    „You have a whole planet waiting for you to leave your revilas soul right here in Polarae and return not a princess, not a queen but yourself! Those kids on Earth and even your aunts and uncle, they have not once reached out for you. And they all have ways to do so. No, because once there is life threatening danger engulfing your precious school then they will call on you." Tears streamed down her face and her voice was shaking.
    „Please, correct me if I am wrong, but I know that you know in your heart there's no place you'd rather be than New Orleans! Alpha will always see you as the daughter of an Original vampire and a revilas queen, but not as I see you, or how the brothers see you, or Soph or Astoria or even James. Tell me I am wrong and I will drop this, but do you really want to be a student at a school forever? Or do you want to go back to the place your heart really aches for." She wasn't angry at me per se, just at my words.
    „You're not wrong and I truly wish I could have it all and I would love to go back to the French Quarter! But," I halted and put my hands on each side of her face and looked into her blue eyes. „I would never go where you would not follow. Where James would not follow. And now that he has found Henry, he won't."
    She sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes and bit down on her lip.
    „I would never uproot their lives for the sake of my happiness. I cannot be that selfish." My voice was a mere whisper but I smiled, „Besides, you guys have never known life on Earth. So, I would rather stay here with you and try and be happy than to ask you to do this for me."
    „What about a compromise, then?" She asked and I tilted my head to the side.
    „What would that look like?"
    „We talk about this with all parties involved. Henry, James, John, Astoria and Sophia. We're all here."
    „What are you saying?" I asked her and stepped away from her to look at her. „You would try a life on Earth with me than a semblance of a life here on Alpha?"
    She crossed the distance between us and I felt the chair of the vanity in my back.
    Raven kissed my forehead and took my hands in hers, intertwining our fingers as she looked into my eyes.
    „I am saying that I would try to live a life with you in the place you were most happy than see you miserable living a life here. And there are witches and werewolves and vampires in New Orleans, yes?" I nodded. „My aunt is still living at the compound with her wife, her son and a family friend. The French Quarter was once booming with all species united, more or less."
    „So, you see what I mean? We do not have to hide." She whispered and I nodded and leaned my forehead against hers.
    „I do not want to hide. Never again."
    Raven kissed me before she did her hair and got her boots on and her jacket while I waited at the door with a bag slung around my shoulder.
    Raven and I joined the others for breakfast before Astoria took us outside where they had already prepared the grounds.
    On the opposite side of the field stood Cassius and Rose tensed, standing next to me. I grabbed her hand and she relaxed the slightest bit which meant the world to me.
    „Everyone please take your seats." Rose let go of my hand and sat down on one of the benches, next to James.
    Raven kissed me again and hugged me before she took her seat. As did John, but he only kissed my forehead. Henry hugged me tight to his body and I found it easier to be hugged by him than by his brother. Something I, of course, would never say out loud but Henry was calmer most of the time. Sophia whispered a good luck saying in the old language in my ear before she let go of me and even Astoria hugged me before Sophia took her seat too. James had changed his mind and ran up to me to hug me tightly too. „Please, don't die. We have so much we still have to do." He whispered and I nodded in his neck.
    „I'll be fine." I whispered, even though I couldn't be sure of that. I had participated in a race before but that was different. It was a mere training exercise, even though we hoped the day would never come. I was thankful for my mother to show me what she had learned before and in her own race. James sat down again next to Rose and Henry and I looked at Astoria who remained standing as they summoned the magic of revilar lupus.
    „Rules are as followed," They told us as Cassius and I took our places on the field sealed in by a magic barrier.
    „The forms of magic do not matter!" They announced loudly and even Cassius followed my surprised look back to them. „No illusion spells and no mind games! This'll be a somewhat fair race!"
    They now set their eyes on Cassius, „Sophia will be overseeing your magic. Should you do something untoward to manipulate this event," They told him and only then did I see the bracelet on his wrist, „well, I have no qualms about putting you back to sleep and oversee your dying process myself! Amaya chose this and I respect her enough to see this through."
    „Amaya, you are welcome to use your earthwalker abilities! Should you reach lupus before Cassius, you will, as soon as you touch it, lose your revilas magic, as well as the fractions of your soul you still possess. You will give up being a revilas because there is no way to undo it once lupus has accessed you. Should Cassius reach lupus first, he will absorb your ability to summon ground magic, the rest of your abilities will stay with you. Are these rules understood by each of you?"
    Cassius and I both answered with a loud yes and Astoria sighed and nodded.
    „Good, then! Then let's get on with it!" And with that, they released the magic and following it's path with my eyes, I found myself quickly on the grass floor. He actually pushed me! What a coward!
    I thrust my hand forward, „Motus." I spoke aloud and watched as he was thrust away from the magic he was almost to touch. „Let the games begin." I said to myself after I got to my feet and straightened my back.