You ARE My World

I'm not too old....

When we got into my room I turned on the Tv for Addison and she was quiet. "What happened?" I asked curious. She shrugged. "We were talking about babies. I wanted another one. But he basically called me too old." She said said. "I don't think I'm that old. And when I met Grayson, I wanted a little boy." She explained. "But he fought me really hard on it. And it just turned into a big mess. Stupid huh?" She asked. I shook my head. "No, Aunt Jenna. You're not too old to have a baby. You guys are just about to turn 30. Not 45. Did he give you a reason as to why he doesn't want a baby?" I asked, trying to get to the bottom of it. She shrugged. "No, and when I asked, he jsut fought me harder. I got upset and left." She explained. I nodded. She started to talk again, but I got a text from Steven.

Steven- Dereck, is here.

Me- Umh... Now what?

Steven- Want me to take him out?

Me- Sure. Try to talk to him?

Steven- Sure thing. I have to come upstairs to get something. So i'll bring the baby. Want Tristen up there?

I asked aunt Jenna if it was alright if Tristen came up, and she shook her head. I texted him back. I told Aunt Jenna what was going on and she got mad. "I can't go anywhere without him tracking me down and making things right. Just let me be mad for once!" She said screaming probably loud enough for Uncle Dereck to hear. Tristen and Steven came up and Steven went into our closet to change his clothes. I excused myself and walked in there to escape from the crying. "Babe." I whispered. He turned around and looked at me. "I feel so bad, but I don't know what to do..." I started off. He came over to me with no shirt on. "Sweetie, relax. You're going to get so worked up. Want me to call your mother?" He asked. I shook my head. "No, lets not make this a family affair, yet. If Dereck gets out of control drunk call my dad and mom asap." I said sternly. He nodded. He kissed me, and it made me relax. For a second I wasn't focused on being upset, I was focused on the love of my life, and how he made me feel weak in the knees, how he made me have goosebumps everytime he even brushes near me. I stopped kissing him, and smiled. I walked out and saw that Aunt Jenna was on the phone. I looked at Tristen and he texted me.

Tristen- She's on the phone with your mom.

Me- Gotcha. Sorry about all this. You okay with the baby? You can put him down anytime you get tired of em.

Tristen- No, actually he's super cute. And I love holding him.

I nodded at him when I got his message and he winked. Steven came out shortly after and kissed me goodbye. "Text me please." I said to him. He nodded. Steven and Uncle Dereck left, and my mom came over. I let them talk it out and Tristen and I brought the kids down stairs. "I just want one day." i said sighing. He looked at me. "What do you mean?" He asked. "I just want one day where I'm not involved in drama. I want a day where I can jsut smile, all day and everyone around me is smiling all day. No crying, no anxiety, no depression." I explained. "Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for anybody, but I just am so depressed." I said admitting to him. He looked at me shocked. "Amelia, you are depressed?" He asked. I shrugged. "Yeah, I am. But I don't like to tell anyone." I said. He sighed. "Does Steven know? And are you going to hurt yourself?" He asked. I shook my head. "I couldn't. My kids need me." I said. He nodded. I looked down at the ground and started to cry. "Why am I so upset all the time? Why am I feeling stuck?" I asked. He shrugged. "What's going on?" He asked. I just continued to look at the ground. "I just, don't have friends that are girls. It's just me, myself and I. I mean I know I have you, and I have Steven. But I don't have any girlfriends to go out with, or laugh with, cry with. Nothing." I explained. He nodded. "I get that. Steven is the only person I can talk too." He said. "After I got into the drugs and alcohol I lost all my friends, which I don't blame them. But Steven is the only one that I can talk to about my feelings." He said to me. I nodded. "I know. That's why we get along so well." I said. He got up and put Grayson in his bouncer. "Would it be totally rude of me to say that I just want to be alone right now?" I asked. He shook his head. "No, and I won't even be angry. I get like that sometimes. Want me to take Addison?" He asked. I shrugged. "You don't have too. She will probably fall asleep soon anyway." I explained. He nodded. "But I want too." He said. I nodded. "Alright, well she has her overnight bag there by the door." I pointed to the pink butterfly bag. I called Addison over to give me a hug and kiss. "You are going to go with Uncle TT tonight, alright?" I asked. She nodded. "Luh you mommy." She said tired. "I love you too beetle bugg. More than you know. Mommy will pick you up when she wakes up in the morning." I explained. She nodded. "otay mommy." She went over to Tristen, and he picked her up. She nestled her head on his shoulder and he hugged me. "See you tomorrow. Call me or text me if you need anything. I'm serious." He said sternly. I nodded. I walked them out the door, and waved goodbye. I texted Steven.

Me- Tristen took Addison to his house for the night. And I am going to feed Grayson, change his 02 and then head to bed. Please come home and cuddle. :(

Steven- I'm on my way now. Everything alright?

Me- Actually, no. But I just want you to hold me right now. And I want you. You make me feel safe, and warm and happy.

Steven- I'm coming in now.

I got done with feeding Grayson and he fell asleep. He took him from me and told me to go upstairs with him. He put him in the bassinett and quickly got into bed with me. I started to cry. "What's wrong?" He asked concerned. "I'm not happy." I said crying. "Well, obviously. What's going on?" He tried to make a joke. I shook my head. "Steven. I'm depressed. I have been since Addison has been 6 months old. But now, it's just getting to much to bear. I have everything that I could ever want in my life, you, two beautiful kids, and I feel like there is something missing." I explained. He squeezed me and started to cry. "Amelia, why didn't you say something." He said sad. I just sobbed. "I just need you to understand. I love you..." I said. He nodded. "I love you so much. And I will do anything to see you not depressed. I wish I would've known..." He said. I sobbed. " He just continued to hold me until I stopped crying. "Everything is going to be alright. I promise. Me and you. Remember?" He asked. I nodded. He is so amazing. I wasn't feeling 100% better, but just by him holding me I felt better. "I love you." He said as I fell asleep for the night. I smiled.